Work

A lot of people are looking for it. Evidently being a mom doesn't qualify (at least in some people's lexicon.) A few people are addicted to it, but a lot of people wish they didn't have to do it.

I have kind of an interesting perspective on work. I have tried to juggle work and being a mom in just about every combination known to woman. There are pros and cons to each situation, and I still haven't figured it out by any stretch.

I was a full-time mom when the child was a newborn until she was 8 months old. Then my maternity leave ended and I "went back to work." She was a pretty demanding baby, a function of what we now understand as her sensory disorganization and oral motor challenges. Honestly I was pretty overwhelmed with her care, and just starting to hit my stride when I resumed my teaching position. I'm very glad I had that time with her, but since I had expected to return to work I didn't really allow myself to settle into being a mom.

When I returned to my job my husband and I had a strategy to keep us both working and to keep the child out of daycare. It worked for a while, but we were stretched thin, and we knew it early on. It didn't make sense for me to keep working and essentially hand over my paycheck to someone else so they could be with our daughter. So I finished out the academic year and returned to full time momming.

It took a while for me to settle into my role as a stay at home mom. I wasn't bored (too busy for that...) but I did miss the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a project or knowing that you've truly been helpful to someone. Somehow folding the laundry didn't quite cut it. I still enjoyed the new freedom, though, and explored some new hobbies. Just when I was starting to get in step again, the twins arrived on the scene, and the child's issues came front and center. Suddenly we were stretched again physically and emotionally. The economy shifted, and now here we are...

It became clear that I needed to start working again, this time from home and in partnership with my husband to boost our income a bit. I have to admit there is a piece of me that is loving the feeling of professionalism, and problem-solving, but it may be the worst of both worlds. I am distracted from my kids who still need a lot of supervision and training, I'm limited "at work" by what my kids need, and I'm still seen as an "at home mom" who has so much free time on her hands to...

The point is, work is important. It is important not only as a means of support for our families, but as a fulfillment of a basic human need. Adam and Eve worked in the Garden of Eden even before that whole apple incident. Their work was satisfying and fruitful without the drudgery that stifles us today. We were made to work. In whatever way you work - in or out of your home - it's important to understand that you're striving to do what you were made to do, but in a world that is waiting to be restored. It won't ever be quite perfect.

Waxing eloquent on the Wonderful letter W. Click here to see the other works of art...

Rebuilding the Walls

I am taking an intermission from my series on Proverbs 31 to write about something that jumped out at me the other night during our kids' story time of all things. We have some books that my mom gave us with ideas on how to answer some of kids' biggest questions about God and the Bible. Even though they are geared toward older kids our twins love carrying them around and calling them their "Bibles". So cute. They often choose to hear one of these as their story, too.

The other night they picked "102 Questions Children Ask about the Bible" and the question was:

"Why didn't the Jews ever change their clothes while they were rebuilding the walls?"

My ears perked up - maybe because I was folding laundry while Daddy was reading - is this a Biblical mandate for laundry reduction?? We read on...

You are probably familiar with the story of Nehemiah. He was cupbearer to the King - of Babylon. (Nehemiah 1:11, NIV) He was also a devout Jew and was devastated to hear that the walls of Jerusalem lay in rubble. The walls of a city at that time bespoke its reputation and more importantly provided the main defensive strategy against invaders. The Jews had been in exile in Babylon, but a remnant had returned to live in Jerusalem, still under Babylonian authority. The walls were broken down and the gates were burned. Attempts to rebuild had been labeled rebellion. Nehemiah prays, and given the opportunity, boldly asks the King for permission to return to Jerusalem and rebuild the city. Nehemiah returns to Jerusalem and devises a strategy for rebuilding the walls. It is a community effort, but not without opposition. Detractors within and without seek to keep the walls in disrepair. Discouragement, ridicule, threats, and fatigue faced them at every stage of the rebuilding. But, "the people worked with all their heart." (Nehemiah 4:6, NIV) Part of their strategy was to always be prepared for work and for a fight...half of the men did the work while half were equipped with weapons. "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other." (Nehemiah 4:17, NIV) Lastly, they didn't spend a lot of time on creature comforts:

Neither I nor my brothers nor my men nor the guards with me took off our clothes; each had his weapon, even when he went for water. (Nehemiah 4:23, NIV)*

As I have continued to ponder this story over the last couple of days, I can't help but see some analogies to our own family. The last four years have been pretty brutal, in part from choices we made and in part from the vagaries of living in a fallen world - stuff happens. I can't list everything we've been through, but suffice it to say it has been a lot. Just when we think we're getting our feet back under us another wave of circumstance bowls us over and leaves us wondering how we'll rebuild this time. I think, without realizing it, my husband and I have followed the example of Nehemiah. We work hard. We try to prepare and react well to each situation that we face. We have trimmed away at luxuries that we once considered commonplace. I think that we can do more, though.

In particular I am considering the weapons that Nehemiah dispersed among his crew. In their case they had their spears, their shields, their bows and their armor at the ready. The weapons we need are not physical, but spiritual, and are described for us in Ephesians 6:14-18 (NIV):

Stand firm, then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests...

We need to work with one hand and be ready to fight with the other. We have the same enemies of discouragement, ridicule, threats, and fatigue hurled at us in the spiritual realm. Only God can provide us with the strength to keep rebuilding for His honor and glory.

If you find yourself in a similar position, and I know many people do these days - we aren't the only ones who have been beaten down in the last few years - I hope you will be encouraged to read the story of Nehemiah. In the end they overcome, and so shall we!



* I had to laugh when the NIV version was different from the version in the 102 Questions book. I'm not sure which version they used (it is not cited) but they quote: "During this time we never took off our clothes, except for washing. This included me, my brothers, the servants, and the guards who were with me. And we carried our weapons with us at all times. (Nehemiah 4:23)" It was the phrase "except for washing" that caught my attention. Were they washing the clothes or themselves? It is unclear. Since this version differed from the NIV I looked at the footnotes in my study Bible and saw this note, "The meaning of the Hebrew for this clause is uncertain." I believe this refers to the "even when he went for water". To me it looks like one version interpreted this as washing (something) and the other interprets it as going for water. I am no Hebrew scholar and haven't studied the Hebrew text here, but my guess is the verse should read: "...each had his weapon, even when he went to the bathroom!" Every mom I know can relate to that translation! :-)

Chores that Work

In an earlier post I shared a "chore" system that didn't work so well for our family. I still felt it was a program that might work for another family, so I wanted to share the idea, but we continued to flounder for some time in our attempts to keep our oldest daughter, in particular, involved in keeping our household running smoothly. For me this is an important facet of family life for many reasons.

1) I need help! As the one who usually does what little housework gets done around here I appreciate all the help I can get, even if it is from a two year old.

2) Housework teaches useful skills. I didn't appreciate how important daily household tasks were until I was well on my way to adulthood. As a result I've rarely felt like I have a very good grip on managing our home. I would like to change that pattern with my kids. I want them to know what is involved in maintaining a clean and organized house, or at least see the importance of it in my flailing attempts.

3) Self-regulation is key. We have seen how many times, when she wants to "do a job" it is very regulating for our daughter. In many enivironments, school, Daisy troop, at home, and at church, giving her a meaningful task to focus on helps her know her role and maintain excellent behavior. It also gives her a great sense of self-esteem, "Wow, look what I did, Mom!"

That last point actually holds the key to how we developed our new chore system. In our previous attempt, our daughter earned "stars" by completing certain tasks and the stars could be redeemed for larger incentives like time with Daddy or a trip to the yogurt stand. She was the focus, the rewards were external, and she had the same tasks every day. The problem was, even with a variety of external rewards she got "bored" with the tasks, and eventually began to resist doing them. No amount of stars was worth the effort to her. However, we kept hearing about how she was going to be "line leader" or "caboose" or "weather" at school the next day and I realized that she was never bored with her jobs at school. I approached her teacher (wonderful person!) and asked to see her system for classroom jobs. She has a pocket chart with about a dozen jobs and the children simply rotate through who does each job. There are more children than there are jobs, so often the children have a day off. The key seemed to be that the job rotated frequently so that the children are not bored with the tasks. Everyone participates. The rewards are natural (praise from the teacher for a job well done) and internal ("Look what I did!"). I set about copying the system for use at home (see above), and so far I am pleased with the results.

Our family jobs are: bringing in the mail, helping with laundry, taking out the mulch, helping with dishes, picking up toys, setting the table and making beds. Everyone has one job each day until the reach the bottom of the chart where they get a day off. I can tell you that my daughter likes the new system because she has added to it in a very positive way by creating the job "bug helper" at the bottom of the chart. During the Spring and Summer she enjoys catching bugs and keeping them indoors in various bug houses. The bug helper gets to give food and water to the current bug menagerie and/or release them outdoors if they've been kept indoors as long as we are comfortable with. When she adopts a system she loves to put her own special twist on it, and this is it.

Pitfalls so far:

• No system is perfect, and this is no exception. I immediately wished I had made my chart in order that these jobs usually occur during the day. I added numbers in the margin, but it would've been better in the other order.
• Daddy often forgets whose turn it is to get the mail and will pick it up on his way in. Often this is fine, but if it is the oldest's turn she can be quite upset that he took over her job.
• Because this chart is kept at eye-level for my daughter it is within arms reach of her younger siblings. They are learning to mostly ignore it, but some pieces go missing once in a while (the Mommy tag is currently AWOL) and sometimes they rearrange things. This will fade with time.
• It still falls to me (mostly) to make sure the jobs happen and to support especially the younger kids as they do their work. I hope as we continue to develop a good routine that this will be less and less true.
• There is still some resistance to certain jobs. Putting away clothes, though the first job our daughter expressed interest in doing, can still be a battleground. I'm working out the best approach to dealing with this. One night when she had refused to do her job I told her she would just keep that job the next day. She just re-upped the resistance the next day, so then I got tough and said she would have to do it without arguing or go to bed early. (This was right before bedtime, so it was an immediate consequence.) After she had successfully finished with a good attitude we had a conversation about how sometimes we have to do work that we don't like. I even admitted that I have jobs I don't like, but I still have to do them. Ideas for good natural consequences when jobs aren't done or are resisted would be most appreciated. Just leave a comment below!

Must close because this post is participating in the Mom's 30-Minute Blog Challenge and time's up!

Book Review - Little House on the Freeway

Little House on the Freeway - Help for the Hurried Home by Dr. Tim Kimmel. I finished reading this book on Saturday night while the kids enjoyed playing in the bathtub. It's a good thing I did because Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were so busy and scheduled that I would not have had time to finish reading it before I was supposed to post this review. Did I need to read this book? Yes! Actually the copy I have is about four years old and has different cover art. I picked it up at a marriage retreat that my husband and I went to when our oldest was just over two. Pretty funny that we both felt so busy and over-scheduled then. Two kids and many new commitments later sometimes I wonder how long we're going to be able to keep this house and its occupants rolling down the freeway. I think this is a fairly common feeling for parents of special needs children. We have all the normal pressures of life: housework, child care, shopping, working, and trying to stay healthy. Add in researching/applying for/driving to therapy sessions, extra meetings at school, extra attention needed for behavioral supports, always one more technique to try, and paperwork, and that's assuming the special needs child doesn't have medical issues. For those of us who pursue a life of faith you can add personal devotions, and church commitments. No wonder I often feel like I'm running the wrong way up an endless escalator.

Interestingly Dr. Kimmel's answer isn't just: "Slow down, silly!" He breaks down inner attitudes that are needed to find true rest, things like forgiveness, a sense of eternity, service, and knowing your gifts. Dr. Kimmel also includes some practical applications for how to bring an attitude of rest to your marriage, your kids, your work, and your other relationships. At the end of the book there is a list of 101 ways to give rest to your family. Some are big (pay off your credit cards - yikes!), some are small (take a walk as a family.) Some are long term (religiously wear your seat belts) some are short term (replace the batteries in your smoke alarm). I really like all of the things that are balanced in this book. There are times when Dr. Kimmel uses a soft touch to make his point and other times where he says, "I know this isn't easy to read, but this is what you need to do..." There are some truly poignant stories used to illustrate his point and others that will make you laugh out loud. Do you like practical tips? There in there. Do you want a more philosophical approach to the idea of rest? Got it. I was particularly blessed by the chapter where Dr. Kimmel describes holding his daughter in the NICU all night as she struggled with apnea. I have a feeling he can relate to special needs parents.

End result: obviously my daily schedule hasn't slowed down a bit. (Is someone fiddling with the speed on that escalator again??) But this book, combined with a renewed commitment to address my own physical health needs, seems to have provided a new sense of focus and calm. When the to do list is too long the most important things are still getting done, and I find it easier to let the other items go.

Rest up, friends, it is a long road!

Sunday Digest 16

Some thought provoking websites I've seen in the last couple of weeks...no particular theme, just stuff to make you think a bit.

1. So how do we provide adequate housing, employment, and independence for people with intellectual disabilities? Mosaic (a faith-based group that serves people with disabilities in 14 states) thought it might be nice to ask them. You can see what some of them said here. I think they've got some good ideas!

2. A young boy with ASD gets excited about basketball. What to disclose to the coach? What will his teammates think of him? Real life...read it here!

3. A fresh take on what to do with the looky loos. You know...the people around you who notice there's something different about your kid and just can't seem to direct their gaze elsewhere.

4. A mom shares her thought process as she considers residential placement for her child. One of the hardest decisions a parent of a special needs child or adolescent could face, in my opinion. How do you even take the first step, when, and what factors do you consider?

5. We live in earthquake territory, and will all the temblor activity lately...you gotta wonder. A friend of ours participated in an earthquake preparedness drill yesterday. You can bet I'll be picking her brain next time I see her. Meanwhile, I've been hearing about registries for special needs families for quite a while. What do you think about this? Are you registered? Do you even know if it is available in your area? I can think of all sorts of situations where this might be helpful.

Best wishes for an excellent week, my friends!

Persistence

There are very few things in my life that I've made a conscious choice to quit - my Ph.D. Chemistry career being one of them after more than a year of trying to juggle that with being a mom to a child who it turns out was not a typical baby. Generally once I've set my mind to doing something it is going to happen one way or another. It has been a good thing, for the most part, to be so stubborn, or to put it nicely, persistent. It is one piece of my character that I'm happy to see I passed along to my daughter. Although at times it can be annoying (like when she's asking for a cookie right before dinner time) her strong will is going to be a key ingredient in overcoming her challenges and being all that she can be in spite of them. I've been thinking about this a lot for the past couple of days after watching her through a couple of gymnastics classes.

These classes are challenging from the get go - happening at the end of a six hour day of school, and with a somewhat awkward transition home, eat snack, get ready, go period. The environment is noisy, busy, and full of bouncy children and adults speaking loudly to be heard above the din. They don't always give instructions near her or with direct eye contact or in short one step phrases, so I see my daughter looking at the other kids to see what they're doing as her method to "do the right thing." With all of this already challenging her system I watch her do physical activities that a year ago she was unable to even begin. At the most recent class she was supposed to hop on one foot from one hula hoop to another for a length of about 20 feet. She got tired at the end and missed a few or had to land with both feet, etc, but this is a child who a year ago could barely stand on one foot for 3 seconds. She is working hard at these sessions and I'm proud of her desire to do well.

I have to be careful as I watch the other children in the class. I don't know their stories. They look fairly typical, but I know the folly of that cursory exam. Still it bothers me to watch them goofing around and not really trying at all to do the various activities well. The contrast is amazing to me. Rather than being irked at the rascals that don't seem to give a rip I'm trying to focus on praising my daughter's persistence. It's her story I know from first breath to tonight's good night kiss. We're working toward a happy ending for this one.

What Will They Be When They Grow Up?

Today's action post will be a bit different...instead of telling you about a charity that works with special needs children I want to tell you about a business that hires special needs adults. I guess every parent hangs onto the apron strings at some level. Though technically your job as parent ends when your child turns 18 years of age, or at the outside 21, everyone knows that once you're a mom or dad you are always a mom or dad. I'm just guessing (since we are nowhere near this transition yet) but I bet the apron strings are more firmly tied for parents of special needs teenagers and young adults.

Consider the current economic environment. With double digit unemployment nationwide, and much higher in some states and cities, how much harder is it for young adults with special needs to find jobs they can be independent and successful in? Even normative adults are challenged to find work these days. Meanwhile, the special needs population is going to continue to grow as the number of autism diagnoses alone continues to climb. Kind of a special needs worker boom looming on the horizon. Should we just send them all home to watch TV and twiddle their thumbs or should we start now to develop job training programs and employer accommodation programs that will make it possible for special needs workers to be successful and productive. Maybe we could get ahead of the curve on this one?

I read this article at The Autism News today about "Men with Mops." You can read another article that gives more information here. Men with Mops is evidently a private business affiliated with Rutgers University's Douglass Developmental Disabilities Center. The idea of building a business that is centered around adults with developmental disabilities may be daunting to some, but consider what steps you could take in this arena:

* Encourage business owners to learn about special needs accommodations.
* If you are a business owner, look for ways to include a special needs worker in your model.
* As a parent begin early to consider what job skills your child needs to develop in order to find a suitable workplace in the future.
* Consider finding a Men with Mops equivalent in your area and offer to be a job coach, or help them recruit work opportunities.
* Advocate for job training programs and employer training programs in your area.