Jesus' Storybook

My children love a good story. We read stories every night, and it is one of the incentives for getting through the not so fun parts of bedtime. They each get to pick a book. They often race to see who will get to pick first. We restock often from the library, but they love to read their favorites over and over again. I was pondering this a few weeks back and decided that I need to make a special effort to introduce them to some of the greatest stories ever told, by the greatest Storyteller.

Many of the examples of Jesus' teaching that we find in the New Testament are in the form of stories called parables. Jesus used real life, common to His culture and time period experiences to explain eternal truths. I'm starting to find each of these stories and learn more about who was listening, where they were, and what Jesus said about each story. The stories might require some explanation to a modern day western culture individual, but the Truth will still apply. I am excited to look at these with my kids, so I thought I would share them with you, too.

The first recorded parable told by Jesus happens at the end of what we call the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus was teaching His disciples at a place called the Mount of Olives, and a crowd of people gathered around to hear what He had to say. Space does not permit a full recap of the whole sermon here, but it is the essence of Jesus' teaching on how His disciples should live their lives. Quintessential verses that are widely known and frequently quoted even in secular society come from these passages:

• Blessed are the meek
• Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No,' 'No'
• Turn the other cheek
• Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing
• The Lord's (Model) Prayer - "Our Father..."
• Casting pearls before swine
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (The Golden Rule)...

...just to name a few. See Matthew 5:1-7:29 to read the full text. Much of what Jesus had to say was radically different from the religious leaders of that day. In that context, Jesus closes with a sermon illustration, the parable of the wise and foolish builders:

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27 (NIV)

One builder chooses a solid foundation and the other chooses convenience, but they both have a choice. Neither structure is immune to trouble - they both get wracked by what sounds like the storm of the century. One structure comes through unscathed and the other is destroyed. The analogy Jesus draws for us is to those who hear His teaching and make their choice of what to do with it. Those who choose to obey are like the wise builder who chose to dig down to the bedrock to tie in his foundation. The obedient will experience trouble, but will come through with their integrity. Those who choose not to obey are like the corner-cutting contractor who settles for a foundation on sandstone. When trouble comes they will not stand.

It is clear from this that Jesus expects us to take all of those radical ideas that He taught and put them into practice. This is wisdom according to Jesus' Storybook.

Matthew 7:21-29, Luke 6:46-49, Mark 1:22

Mean What You Say...

First, apologies again for disappearing. I have still been making my posts over at 5 Minutes For Special Needs. My two most recent posts there will explain a lot of my disappearance. We had Spring Break the first week of April. I thought I was going to keep up my blogging, but we went to visit my dear Mother-in-Law. It was a harder visit than I had anticipated, and many things I had hoped to accomplish in my spare time were not achieved. When we returned home I thought I would pick up where I had left off, but realized pretty quickly that where I had left off was "Really Way too Far Behind On Everything". I spent last week trying to catch up. I think I have my act together now, but we'll see. There's a lot going on right now, and writing, though wonderfully fulfilling for me, has to fit in the down times, and there have been precious few of those. I was stunned to see how long it had been since I posted. Ah well...jumping back in with both feet...

All it took was a snap. No matter what else was happening, we would hear that snap and come to full attention. My father lead the congregational singing in the church that I grew up in. My mom was often singing in the choir or playing organ or piano. This meant that both of my parents would be on the platform during a good portion of the worship service, leaving my brother and I to sit in the pew alone. The hard wooden pew, with not much besides a church bulletin and a pencil to keep us occupied. Under these conditions it was often hard to keep from pestering each other, or finding some other amusement like dusting the pews with our Sunday best. No matter what distraction we managed to find, when my mom would see us getting out of line she would just snap her fingers. We knew then that she had seen us, and that if we continued in our current activity we would likely be embarrassed in front of God and everyone by her marching down off the platform and removing us for a "talking to" in the restroom. We got the message and straightened up...already knowing that we might get a scolding after church for misbehaving in the first place. We knew that snap, and we paid attention to it.

I don't have a very good snap yet, but I have a different signal with my kids when I really need them to pay attention. I start the countdown. Depending on what is happening I start at different numbers, but when I start counting backward they know that I really mean business, and generally they get moving.

I'm sure you've experienced this scenario:

"Honey, I need you to put your blocks back in their box." [no response...child continues playing]
"Time to clean up the blocks, buddy." [no response...not even a flicker of recognition]

There are two options at this point. Lose your cool, or show them that you know they heard you. This is when I start counting. For a "clean up your toys" situation when it really doesn't matter too much how long it takes them to do it as long as it gets done, I might start at 10. Usually by the time I get to 5 my kids will start acting on my request without me needing to even repeat it. If you really think they didn't hear you (like in a noisy environment or if they are running full tilt on a playground with their best friends) you can precede the countdown with a third request accompanied by full eye contact and gentle physical touch. If I'm in more of a hurry I start the countdown at 5. If it is urgent (like a possible safety concern) or if I sense true defiance I start the countdown at 3. The only time I don't give a countdown is if there is imminent danger, then I just intervene as calmly as possible.

There is a big caveat to this technique. You have to follow through. The first dozen or so times you countdown your child may not think you mean it. Particularly if they are used to you asking them to do something without them responding and then you end up doing it for them. Or if you often tell them to be ready to go in 5 minutes, but then get caught up in conversation with your friend and 20 minutes go by before you're really ready to go. You have to mean what you say. If you don't care enough about it to follow through, then don't even bother to make the request. So now your scenario can look like this:

"Honey, I need you to put your blocks back in their box." [no response...child continues playing]

"Time to clean up the blocks, buddy." [no response...not even a flicker of recognition]
"5...4...3...2...1" [child does not budge]
Go over to the child and touch their shoulder (gently, that's the hard part!)
"Time to clean up, now." Put your hand on their hand and guide them to pick up a block and put it in the box. Repeat as necessary. They may resist. They may argue, but the blocks are getting put away and you have shown them that you really mean it.

You may need to repeat this method many, many times, depending on how strong-willed your child is, and on how long you've let them get away with ignoring your requests. We did more countdowns than the entire history of NASA at our house last year. I still do at least a couple of countdowns daily, mostly with my twins now.

Never do a countdown without following through, and if you're asking your child to do something, always be prepared to do a countdown. It's a snap.

Book Review - Shepherding a Child's Heart

I had a choice tonight between reviewing something I'm really enjoying or reviewing something I've been struggling with for months. Can you guess which one I picked?

Shepherding a Child's Heart is a classic in Christian parenting circles. It is considered by many to be THE way to raise your child. I have started in to read it a couple of times now, and I just can't seem to make it fit my world. A dear friend recommended it to me the moment I shared with her the good news that we were expecting our first child. I find myself in agreement with the foundations of many of the ideas Dr. Tripp lays out in the first part of the book, that a child is shaped by internal and external influences, and that external behavior changes are not sufficient to raise a child up in the way they should go. Rather a change of heart is required.

I'm struggling with two areas:

First - Dr. Tripp's methods seem very "talk" oriented. Meaning there is some expectation that you will lay out the child's choices, the consequences of those choices, and explain that you are performing your duty as a parent before God to shape your child into the person He wants them to become...etc. Please don't misunderstand, we do use choices, and consequences, and we do remind our daughter often that we are here to help her, but we do so in as few words as possible, and almost never during an actual behavior incident. Talking to my daughter when she is misbehaving is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It rarely defuses the situation. I have a hard time translating Dr. Tripp's approach to our situation.

Second - Dr. Tripp is pro-spanking. I wish I could say I've never spanked my children. (Sorry, Mom...) There was a period of time where that was our default consequence. My husband and I were both raised in households where that was a norm (and we turned out okay...) In our household, however, it was pretty scary for all concerned, to be honest. At the time we were under the impression that our daughter was "strong-willed" (which she is...) but we did not understand that she is also autistic. In the end I think that combo will serve her well, but between the ages of 3-5 it wasn't pretty. It was a vicious cycle...we were telling her repeatedly not to (hit, kick, bite, pull hair, etc.) but the punishment was a spanking (in her mind a hit...) so what kind of example is that to her? I found myself begging God to show me a better way, and I believe He answered that prayer in the form of a series of positive behavioral support workshops that my husband and I were blessed to take. Not that we haven't had our moments of frustration, but overall our home is much more peaceful, functional, and healthy. My kids are not little angels, but I am occasionally complimented by strangers and friends alike on how well-behaved they are. They know I have firm boundaries, and that fun times will end if those boundaries are crossed, but spanking is now a last resort, end of the rope...used in response to clear defiance, particularly on a safety rule. [Please God, don't let there be a test on this tomorrow!]

It's kind of sad, in a way, because Shepherding a Child's Heart was the book that got me started on this whole blog idea. Wouldn't it be cool, I thought, to translate those Christian parenting ideas to the special needs world? Yet here I am giving the most negative review I've written yet...still working on it I guess.

What books have you used to shape your parenting journey?

This post is participating in the Moms' 30-Minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom.

Chores that Work

In an earlier post I shared a "chore" system that didn't work so well for our family. I still felt it was a program that might work for another family, so I wanted to share the idea, but we continued to flounder for some time in our attempts to keep our oldest daughter, in particular, involved in keeping our household running smoothly. For me this is an important facet of family life for many reasons.

1) I need help! As the one who usually does what little housework gets done around here I appreciate all the help I can get, even if it is from a two year old.

2) Housework teaches useful skills. I didn't appreciate how important daily household tasks were until I was well on my way to adulthood. As a result I've rarely felt like I have a very good grip on managing our home. I would like to change that pattern with my kids. I want them to know what is involved in maintaining a clean and organized house, or at least see the importance of it in my flailing attempts.

3) Self-regulation is key. We have seen how many times, when she wants to "do a job" it is very regulating for our daughter. In many enivironments, school, Daisy troop, at home, and at church, giving her a meaningful task to focus on helps her know her role and maintain excellent behavior. It also gives her a great sense of self-esteem, "Wow, look what I did, Mom!"

That last point actually holds the key to how we developed our new chore system. In our previous attempt, our daughter earned "stars" by completing certain tasks and the stars could be redeemed for larger incentives like time with Daddy or a trip to the yogurt stand. She was the focus, the rewards were external, and she had the same tasks every day. The problem was, even with a variety of external rewards she got "bored" with the tasks, and eventually began to resist doing them. No amount of stars was worth the effort to her. However, we kept hearing about how she was going to be "line leader" or "caboose" or "weather" at school the next day and I realized that she was never bored with her jobs at school. I approached her teacher (wonderful person!) and asked to see her system for classroom jobs. She has a pocket chart with about a dozen jobs and the children simply rotate through who does each job. There are more children than there are jobs, so often the children have a day off. The key seemed to be that the job rotated frequently so that the children are not bored with the tasks. Everyone participates. The rewards are natural (praise from the teacher for a job well done) and internal ("Look what I did!"). I set about copying the system for use at home (see above), and so far I am pleased with the results.

Our family jobs are: bringing in the mail, helping with laundry, taking out the mulch, helping with dishes, picking up toys, setting the table and making beds. Everyone has one job each day until the reach the bottom of the chart where they get a day off. I can tell you that my daughter likes the new system because she has added to it in a very positive way by creating the job "bug helper" at the bottom of the chart. During the Spring and Summer she enjoys catching bugs and keeping them indoors in various bug houses. The bug helper gets to give food and water to the current bug menagerie and/or release them outdoors if they've been kept indoors as long as we are comfortable with. When she adopts a system she loves to put her own special twist on it, and this is it.

Pitfalls so far:

• No system is perfect, and this is no exception. I immediately wished I had made my chart in order that these jobs usually occur during the day. I added numbers in the margin, but it would've been better in the other order.
• Daddy often forgets whose turn it is to get the mail and will pick it up on his way in. Often this is fine, but if it is the oldest's turn she can be quite upset that he took over her job.
• Because this chart is kept at eye-level for my daughter it is within arms reach of her younger siblings. They are learning to mostly ignore it, but some pieces go missing once in a while (the Mommy tag is currently AWOL) and sometimes they rearrange things. This will fade with time.
• It still falls to me (mostly) to make sure the jobs happen and to support especially the younger kids as they do their work. I hope as we continue to develop a good routine that this will be less and less true.
• There is still some resistance to certain jobs. Putting away clothes, though the first job our daughter expressed interest in doing, can still be a battleground. I'm working out the best approach to dealing with this. One night when she had refused to do her job I told her she would just keep that job the next day. She just re-upped the resistance the next day, so then I got tough and said she would have to do it without arguing or go to bed early. (This was right before bedtime, so it was an immediate consequence.) After she had successfully finished with a good attitude we had a conversation about how sometimes we have to do work that we don't like. I even admitted that I have jobs I don't like, but I still have to do them. Ideas for good natural consequences when jobs aren't done or are resisted would be most appreciated. Just leave a comment below!

Must close because this post is participating in the Mom's 30-Minute Blog Challenge and time's up!

Angels Part Five - Decisions and Directions

This is the fifth of eight posts based on the Bible Study Guide "Angels" by Douglas Connelly, A LifeGuide Bible Study. Today's study discusses three Biblical examples of angels giving specific directions to godly men who obeyed and played an important role in God's plan. I must say I've never had the privilege of receiving specific instructions from an angel. This study makes it clear that any message we might receive from an angel should line up with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and scripture. As these men encountered angels they were all at key tipping points of history and God was growing their own faith as much as He was achieving His own purposes.

I will discuss the stories in the order they appear in the New Testament:

1) Joseph, betrothed and then husband to Mary, Jesus' Mother - Angels appeared to him three times. The first time they told him he should take Mary as His wife rather than divorcing her and putting her away. The second time they told him to take Mary and Jesus to Egypt because Herod was seeking to kill Jesus. The third time they told him it was safe to return to Israel. All of these messages provided for safety and security for Jesus as He was growing up. In each message the angel knows information that Joseph could not have known on his own. See Matthew 1:20-21, 2:13,19-20.

2) Philip was visited by an angel and told to go to a certain road. Philip obeyed and when he arrive the Holy Spirit prompted him to approach an Ethiopian eunuch who was studying the scroll of Isaiah, a passage that was a particularly powerful prophecy of Jesus. Philip lead the man to become a follower of Jesus, and even baptizes him. This is the beginning of the early disciples realizing that Jesus came for everyone; Jew, Gentile, slave, free, etc. (Acts 8:26-40)

3) Cornelius sees and angel who tells him to go find a guy named Simon, nicknamed Peter, who lives in Joppa with Simon the tanner. Cornelius sends three men to find Peter. Meanwhile Peter has a vision in which God instructs him to eat "unclean foods" and Peter refuses, good Jewish man that he was. Three times God gives him this same message in a vision (maybe because there were three men?) After his vision, Peter goes with them to meet Cornelius, he preaches the gospel and all of Cornelius' family members become Jesus followers. (Acts 10)

Philip and Peter were probably fairly content staying in their own culture and sharing that Jesus is the Messiah, but God had other plans. He wanted everyone to hear the gospel. Joseph was desperately trying to choose between two difficult paths. In each story it is clear that the angels simply provide specific directions for those who need it, and that their message must work in conjunction with the Holy Spirit, who is always with us to help us understand what God wants us to do. God had set up appointments, escape routes, and open hearts. These men simply obeyed. Not only do we benefit from their obedience by following their example, but also our own path to become followers of Jesus was made possible.