Saying Something Nice

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet...She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:10-21; 25-26 NIV)

I am finally circling back to the Proverbs 31 woman. I am determined to finish this series. To see earlier posts click on the links in the quoted passage above. I'm amazed it has been such a long gap since my last post in this series (late September) because with each study I learn more about who God wants me to be. As a chronic "do-er" it is so important to remind myself that God looks on the heart more than the hands.

Today's adjectives both describe the Proverbs 31 woman's speech. So far we haven't really heard her voice. She works, she gives, she invests, but so far she hasn't said much. In this verse we get to eavesdrop on her conversation and find that it is characterized by wisdom and faithful teaching. In Hebrew the word for wisdom here is chokmah and can be interpreted as wisdom, skillful, wisely, or wit. It is derived from the word chakam, a primary root that means to be wise in mind, word or action. This implies that the Proverbs 31 woman is skillful conversationalist who pays attention to her words.

In the King James Version, this verse is translated, "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." The Hebrew word for kindness is checed and it means kindness, piety, beauty, favor, and merciful. So although this woman possesses a lot of wisdom, she is kind and considerate about how she dispenses it. Her words are beautiful and merciful.

In our culture I think there has been a general coarsening of our words. We are not trained to think before we  speak. Even if there might be an open microphone and video camera around, and our words might end up as the next viral YouTube link, we tend to speak first and explain later. I can definitely learn a thing or two from the Proverbs 31 woman, especially as I speak to my children. How often are my words of wisdom laced with the law of "do as I say right now, Buster" rather than the law of kindness.

I think I'll run an experiment for a few days and see if I can keep the law of kindness in mind as I'm speaking. I'll report back here in a week and let you know what happened. Want to join the fun? Just leave a comment below...

Giving

G is for giving.  Giving gifts is one of the ways that people express love for one another. My husband loves to give gifts. My daughter also loves to give gifts. I'd like to think it is something I've taught her, but really I think I am learning from both of them. I think it is an innate part of their personality to be so generous and to want to express love in this fashion.


It's been more challenging lately to Give gifts the way we'd like to. Between the economy and the several challenges we've faced over the last few years, we're still finding ways, but the gifts have been more "from the heart" lately instead of from the pocketbook.

• Last night my daughter decided to draw portraits of all four first grade teachers at her school to thank them for being such good teachers. She drew them, colored them, and wrote her little message to each teacher. The effort that she put into this was heart-warming. It was fun watching her deliver them this morning.
• The other day I made "Cheesy Vegetable Pie" for our family. I enjoy this recipe but hadn't made it for a while because I wasn't sure if the kids would like it. They've been enjoying vegetables more, especially zucchini, and that's one of the main ingredients, so I decided to make two pies (I always like to cook enough for two meals). Wouldn't you know it the kids' tastebuds still aren't quite ready for this one. The child liked it, but the twins did not. So my husband Gave the other pie to some sweet friends who have been through thick and thin with us the last few years. They are vegetarian, so it was a perfect match.
• Our favorite children's librarian from our local library is retiring, and we wanted to let her know how much we would miss her. She, again, has been a real Gem for our family for so many years now. Storytime just won't be the same without her. At a recent craft day she showed us how to make ziplock bag books, so we made her a ziplock bag book as a parting Gift. We used some nice scrapbook paper to make the pages, and added photos of her and our family. I had each of the children make a picture for her. I delivered it today, and it was so fun to Give it to her.

These are just a few examples that haven't cost us anything, but hopefully have meant a lot to the recipients...Giving is so important. It blesses others and in return it blesses us with fun, creativity, and joy.

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:38 (NIV)

One last Gift for you...the recipe for Cheesy Vegetable Pie. Enjoy!

This was originally published in 1992 in the Wall Street Journal by Millicent Nathan

2.5 C thinly sliced zucchini and yellow squash
0.5 C thinly sliced mushrooms
1 C thinly sliced carrots
1 C chopped red onion (sweet)
2 T butter
2 T parsley flakes
1/2 t salt
1/2 t pepper
1/4 t garlic powder
1/4 t basil leaves
1/4 t oregano leaves
2 eggs, well beaten
8 oz shredded mozzarella cheese
8 oz can refrigerated crescent rolls or prepared pie crust
2 t prepared mustard

Preheat oven to 375. In large skillet, cook carrots, onion, zucchini, squash and mushrooms in butter until tender, 8 minutes. Meanwhile, beat eggs and mix with cheese in a large bowl. Separate the crescent roll triangles and press into an ungreased 10 inch pie dish, sealing seams and covering the bottom and sides of the dish (or use your prepared pie crust). Spread the crust with mustard. Add spices to the vegetable mixture and mix. Add vegetables to the egg and cheese. Pour egg and vegetable mixture into the crust. Bake 22 minutes. Rest 10 minutes before serving.

This post is participating in Jenny Matlock's Alphabe-Thursday.

To check out the other creative G posts, click here.

Giving Yourself some Grace

We just returned from two days of camping (half a day in the rain!) - preceded by one day of packing and followed by two days of cleaning up and digging out. Notice the gerund tense of cleaning and digging - I still have plenty to do on those fronts, starting with the mound of laundry that needs to be folded, sorted, and put away.

On Wednesday our dear little girl will begin her first day of first grade at her new school, a step that we have been preparing for almost 5 months. Today was partly consumed by formal orientation-type events to seal the deal.

Last week I had high hopes that by this evening everything would be in perfect order and I'd be happily entering a post about camping adventures with your special needs child or capping off the getting ready for a new school series. Instead I'm sitting here with a half-finished grocery list for groceries that should have been bought this evening after my littles were safely asleep, and instead will be bought tomorrow morning before everyone starts begging for breakfast (I hope!) As hard as I've been working for the last week or so, I quite simply over-estimated my ability to keep up with the treadmill that I'm on.

So here is my practical tip for today:

Every once in a while you need to give yourself some grace, some space...whatever you want to call it.

• Stop pushing for it all to be done perfectly, because, well, you'll end up as a heap on the floor behind a treadmill that will keep right on running.
• Scale back. Find the items on the to do list that can be done as a shortcut without doing any harm.
• Procrastinate. If you can't do it all today, find the one thing that can be done tomorrow (or the next day) without missing a deadline or making life harder for yourself then.

I'm going to practice what I'm preaching...finish this grocery list and hit the hay. Won't you join me in spreading a little grace around? Permission to punt and/or procrastinate granted!

This post is participating in the Moms' 30-minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom. You can head over there to meet some pretty fabulous Mommy bloggers...Total time for this post 15 minutes!

The Power of Friendship

I have been greatly rejoicing in my friends recently. We had the pleasure of hosting several friends who came to visit over the Summer. Two "college days" friends of my husband came to visit, and one of my friends that I've known since graduate school also stayed with us for a couple of days. Each visit had its own flavor, and each one was special in its own way. These are friends that we don't get to see often, and every minute with them is worth its weight in gold, if minutes can be weighed.

Last week I took my kids on an adventure to San Francisco. We rode the local light rail system (BART) with a more local friend and her kids. We walked by the Ferry Building and then up to Yerba Buena Gardens, which is (ahem) a bit of a hike for six kids and two moms. Along the way I lost (well to be accurate I inadvertently abandoned) my backpack - which contained many important items including my purse, my car keys, and our return tickets on BART. When I realized it was probably back by the Ferry Building I looked in horror at my friend and just said, "Can you take the kids?" She replied, "Call me if you need anything." (She didn't even chew me out for my absent-mindedness!) In between kicking myself all the way back to the Ferry Building and praying to God for a miracle, I marvelled at the strength of a friend who would in the bat of an eye take on my kids in the middle of a crisis and offer more help if needed. If you want to know the end of the story: the backpack was there, untouched, unharmed, slightly warmer from a nap in the sun, and yes my estimation of the honesty of people in general did go up just a pinch. My belief in answered prayers...well!

On the other side of the board, we have several friends that are hurting. Their reasons are personal and even without putting names to them it feels wrong to give details, so let me just say there are half a dozen people around us experiencing truly traumatic life changes and conflicts that are potentially overwhelming. I'm not talking about hangnails here. I am a bit of a "fixer" and it agitates me to no end to know I have friends with problems that I can't fix for them. I can dispense hugs, I can "take their kids" so to speak, I can spend time with them and encourage them, but I can't fix it.

Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times,/ and a brother is born for adversity." (NIV)

The Hebrew word used here for brother is 'ach (awkh), which can mean literal brother, but is also used in the sense of "brother by choice, ally, companion, or colleague." (Strong's Concordance, 251; and Vine's Bible Dictionary) In other words, people were made to stick together - through lost backpacks and high water. We are meant to support and encourage one another.

There's another quote out there on Facebook that grabbed my attention this week, "Never make someone a priority when they just make you an option." It sounds good on the surface, and probably is at some level sage advice, but after thinking about it a minute I thought to myself, "I'm glad Jesus didn't buy that bumper sticker." Speaking only for myself, I made Him "an option" for a long time before I realized how He made me (and the whole world) a priority.

John 15:12-14 (NIV) - Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. [emphasis mine]

Romans 5:7,8 (NIV) - Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. [emphasis mine]

I hope, as with all things, that when it comes to friendship I can have the attitude of Christ.

Book Review - John Jeremy Colton

John Jeremy Colton was a gift to us when our oldest daughter was a baby. It has recently resurfaced as a bedtime favorite for all of our kids. I like that the story is told in rhyme. As a big Dr. Seuss fan I am always amazed when an author is able to pull this off with ease. Also it is a concept that is challenging to our daughter's pragmatic language skills, so it is probably good to read as many rhyming stories as we can to her. I also love all of the color and some of the zany-ness of the illustrations. It certainly brings home the message that the main character (John Jeremy Colton) is "one of a kind". The only thing I don't like is that the text of the story is incorporated into the zany illustrations to the degree that it is sometimes distracting. For children who are struggling to learn to read this might be off-putting. Even for the parent reading aloud it may be easy to get the story mixed up a bit. Meanwhile, the story is a true gem. John Jeremy Colton simply does not fit in with his environment nor with his peers. He likes bright colors, strange foods, odd dress, and rambunctious children. His strong and lively spirit begins to fade as he is excluded from society, but in the midst of tragedy he proves hero to those who shunned him most. Soon everyone around him decides to let their own personality parade into view. I think the lessons of this story are good both for those who are feeling they don't belong, and those who need to learn to appreciate individual differences. You just never know what a hero might look like, or where they might live.

Sunday Digest 16

Some thought provoking websites I've seen in the last couple of weeks...no particular theme, just stuff to make you think a bit.

1. So how do we provide adequate housing, employment, and independence for people with intellectual disabilities? Mosaic (a faith-based group that serves people with disabilities in 14 states) thought it might be nice to ask them. You can see what some of them said here. I think they've got some good ideas!

2. A young boy with ASD gets excited about basketball. What to disclose to the coach? What will his teammates think of him? Real life...read it here!

3. A fresh take on what to do with the looky loos. You know...the people around you who notice there's something different about your kid and just can't seem to direct their gaze elsewhere.

4. A mom shares her thought process as she considers residential placement for her child. One of the hardest decisions a parent of a special needs child or adolescent could face, in my opinion. How do you even take the first step, when, and what factors do you consider?

5. We live in earthquake territory, and will all the temblor activity lately...you gotta wonder. A friend of ours participated in an earthquake preparedness drill yesterday. You can bet I'll be picking her brain next time I see her. Meanwhile, I've been hearing about registries for special needs families for quite a while. What do you think about this? Are you registered? Do you even know if it is available in your area? I can think of all sorts of situations where this might be helpful.

Best wishes for an excellent week, my friends!

Stamping out the "R" word

Here's an action post that every single person, no matter their situation, can play a part in. I have seen several other blog posts about this topic recently. Some students in Manilus, New York, decided to take some action. They've put together a web-site (We R above) to champion their cause. The site includes video interviews of students, including two special needs students, explaining why no one should use the "R" word as a derogatory label in bullying, teasing, or even joking with someone. Everyone can take the following steps:

• Take a pledge to stop using "retard" and other words that are hurtful to individuals with special needs. My personal nemesis is "crazy" it slips out before I can realize how it might sound to a person struggling with a mental illness.
• If you slip up, apologize, and start over.
• If you hear another person using derogatory labels, call them on it (politely) and explain how damaging this kind of language can be. Tell them about We R Above if you're not sure how to put it into words yourself.
• If you use social media like Facebook or Twitter, spread the word around.

I realize that any label can be turned into a verbal slap. I've seen people using the usally PC "special needs" inappropriately, too. We need to guard our tongues, and our pens (and keyboards) and remember to consider others' needs and feelings above our own.

God's Kindness - Fruit of the Spirit Part 5 cont.

God's kindness leads you toward repentance...Romans 2:4b (NIV)

This fifth fruit of the Spirit is a hard balancing act, if you ask me. On the one hand we want to be loving and generous toward everyone around us, and on the other hand we don't want to be foolish or careless in bestowing resources where they will be misused or abused (casting pearls before swine). The verse above, to me, is an amazing picture of this. God's kindness is bestowed on us at a time when we need to repent, but in the process of receiving God's kindness we want to change. Let's look at the context:

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" Romans 2:1-4
(NIV)

There seem to be three key thoughts here. First, when we judge others we condemn ourselves. Have you ever noticed that the things that annoy you in other people can often be traced back to something you do yourself? There are several things that I get frustrated with in my daughter only upon reflection to realize that I do the same thing, simply in a more grown up manner. She procrastinates undesirable tasks until they are unavoidable sometimes forcing a confrontation. Anyone else around here doing countdowns at their house? It wears me out. Yet here I sit at a desk filled with papers that probably should have been acted on, filed, or discarded weeks ago. Who, indeed, am I to judge?

Second, God knows who we are. He is the final, honest, all-knowing judge and if we see something we don't like in someone else, we'd best ask Him to examine our own heart as well. Even if that particular sin, vice, attitude, habit, or character flaw isn't present, there is undoubtedly something else lurking there. I have a theory that the longer one walks in paths of faith the more subtle the lurkers are. Things that a new Christian would not even notice can be the biggest issue that an older saint is working on with the Lord. In His eyes, all things that are not holy and from Him are sin and keep us from Him. He is not pleased and He cannot tolerate the presence of such things in the hearts of His beloved and so...

He is kind to us. At another time in my life I might have finished that thought differently, but there it is. He wants us to change, to become ever more like Him, and so He demonstrates kindness. While we were still sinners, He died for us. (Romans 5:8). He guides us into all truth. (John 16:13). He patiently waits for us to come to repentance. (II Peter 3:9)

Since God's spirit can provide this fruit of kindness in me if I rely on Him, the effect I should see on others is that they, too, will be drawn to repentance as I live out the kindness I have received toward others.

Sunday Digest 8

Today's digest is all about prejudice, hurtful attitudes and words; and how they can be overcome both in ourselves and others. Enjoy!

Two reminders to be careful about how we use our words:
"Why it Hurts" by Renee at 5 Minutes for Special Needs
"When Adults Use The R-word" by Tammy at Praying for Parker

And another about how hard it can be to know whether to disclose in advance, or explain afterward:
"To Tell or Not to Tell, That is the Question" by ShashK at 5 Minutes for Special Needs

An inspiring story about overcoming prejudice and social barriers through education:
"Speech pathologists, other educators bring autism expertise to Bosnia" by Theresa Harrington in the Contra Costa Times

And finding serenity:
The 12 Steps and Autism at Understanding my son

Childlike Kindness - Fruit of the Spirit Part Five

It might be surprising to read that you can learn a lot about kindness by spending time with a child with social skill delays and behavioral issues. In some ways it is perhaps like looking at the negative of a photograph (back in the day when photographs had negatives). Before having a child with special needs I had never spent a lot of time thinking about how to be kind to people. As a child there were only a couple of instances I can remember (not counting rivalries with my older brother) when I was deliberately unkind to another child; and most of those were self-defense related events. I'm not claiming that I have a lot of skill in this arena - I've always been a bit of a loner, but when I do interact with people I am generally accommodating and thoughtful. Learning to specifically teach social skills to a child, however, has highlighted so many fine points of human interaction that I hadn't really thought about before.

For example, my daughter is engrossed by the idea of birthdays. I may have mentioned that this is one of her favorite pretend play scripts. I've had several "birthdays" this year, and we must always have special pretend food, the birthday song, and lately also birthday crowns. Although she clearly enjoys birthdays, there are some finer social points that we've had to explain in great detail. I've listed some of these below.

• When it is her turn - When she was younger we wrote a social story about birthdays explaining that she only gets one each year, but that it is still fun to help friends celebrate.
• Choosing the gift - that it should be something the birthday person will like, and that she will not get a gift every time we give one to someone else.
• Not being the center of attention - letting the birthday person choose how to celebrate, open gifts, blow out candles, be sung to, etc.
• Social niceties during the party - saying please/thank you, sharing, taking turns, saying goodbye to the host(ess).

Although these all seem obvious to a normative brain, spelling them out and explaining them to a child that struggles to make sense of it all reinforces the importance to me. Kindness is taking joy in celebrating with others, considering what others need or want, focusing on others, and being polite to a fault.

The other piece of kindness that having a special needs child highlights is how unique we all are, and how each of us deserves some level of individualized care. The best example of this that I can share here is the contrast in interactions between my daughter and two of her friends. My daughter and one of her friends were riding their bikes around on our patio and he was having some trouble navigating some of the turns and obstacles. Because she was following him she would have to stop while he worked his way around the tree branch or the bump in the sidewalk, and when she tried to start again she would "grunt" a little at the effort of moving the pedals on her bike from a dead stop. He interpreted this "grunting" as yelling at him and became quite upset. She, of course, did not undertand why he was upset and continued to grunt and yell until we had to end the play time. The other boy can give as good as he gets in this regard - I have watched my daughter and this boy argue back and forth about whether or not bugs can talk, and if she gets loud he does, too. Unfazed. My point is that the subtlety of needing to treat one friend with more sensitivity than the other goes so far beyond my daughter's skill, and yet it has been a lesson to me. Am I sensitive to what other's need, or do I proceed with a cookie-cutter approach to friendship. One friend needs phone calls, the other hates phone calls but loves facebook. Am I flexible enough to work at meeting those needs rather than expecting them to bend to mine?

Kindness is other-focused, other-driven, and not mass-produced. I close again with a children's song that I learned when my daughter was just a baby. As I watch her garden grow I tend my own a little more closely.

Kind hearts are the gardens.

Kind thoughts are the roots.

Kind words are are the flowers.

Kind deeds are the fruits.

Take care of your garden,

And keep out the weeds.

Fill it up with sunshine,

Kind words, and kind deeds.