Dignity and Humor

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet...She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. (Proverbs 31:10-21; 25 NIV)

This study of the Proverbs 31 woman has been so rich for me. I hope you have enjoyed it, too. If you're just joining in you can review the earlier posts by clicking on the links in the passage above. The Proverbs 31 woman has always been a bit intimidating to me because of all she does, but recently God has been reminding me that He is more interested in who I am than in what I do. I decided to look into the character of this woman and see if I can learn more about "how to be" from her. It's been really encouraging so far.

There are two interesting juxtapositions in today's verse that I never noticed before. First, earlier in the passage (not quoted above) we are told that this woman is clothed in fine linen and purple (verse 22.) At this time period wearing linen signified that you were part of the noble class, and wearing purple meant you were royalty, or rich enough to be. Still the emphasis seems to be more on her spiritual attire of strength and dignity. There is symbolism in this for us. Personally my wardrobe could use a lot of gussying up. That show "What Not to Wear" would have itself quite a field day with my closet. I have clothing from high school (that still fits!) and mostly wear jeans, big t-shirts, and well-worn flannel shirts. I go for comfort and practicality and most "stylish" things just don't seem to fit either criteria...not to mention they're way out of our budget. However, even if my physical clothing isn't fit for the fashion runway, my spiritual clothing can be pleasing to the eye: noble and precious, strong and dignified. Dignity (honour in KJV) is the Hebrew word hadar (haw-dawr'; ^ over both a's) and means ornament, splendor, beauty, excellence, or majesty. It is derived from the primary root word hadar (haw-dar'; ^ only over the first a) which means to swell up, to favor, honor, or put forth. Needless to say it is a quality that makes this woman stand out in a crowd in a way that draws admiration from others. We can wear this dignity with anything - it is the perfect accessory for every outfit.

The second point is the seemingly contradictory characteristics of dignity and humor. She is clothed with dignity, yet she laughs at the days ahead. I have often wondered at this turn of phrase. When I look at the days to come I rarely laugh, unless nervous laughter counts. I'm usually the one biting my nails worrying about every possible outcome and not at all confident that I'll have what it takes to persevere. There was a time when I would actually worry if I didn't have something to worry about, so I've come a long way, but it's all too easy to let my mind run to the worst possible scenarios. This woman looks at the days ahead with confidence, joy, and a sense of humor. One might think that dignity and humor don't fit in the same personality, but here we see that the strength and dignity to face the future is the very root of good humor. With all of the uncertainty and fear-mongering that abounds in our society the secret of dignified humor will be key to stepping forward with confidence in the days ahead.

Let's join the Proverbs 31 woman and look ahead with joy in our hearts, assured that our future is secure.

Book Review - Leo the Late Bloomer

Last night I ran away from home (with my husband's permission). I went to the local library for some peace and quiet, and made use of their wi-fi to catch up on reading my fellow bloggers' work. For once I was at the right place at the right time! I read a post at Simple Mom by Jamie wherein she reviewed and recommended ten picture books that teach good life lessons to our kids. I decided to head to the children's section and pick a couple of books up. Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus was among them. I am aware this is a classic book. I think it probably is a great book for kids, especially those who are struggling to learn skills and keep up with their peers. Leo has a hard time with reading, writing, drawing, eating, and talking! His father is concerned, and watching for the day when he will "bloom." His mother is more sanguine..."Leo is just a late bloomer..." she assures Dad. For children with challenges I hope it would be encouraging to see that Leo "made it". I read it to my daughter tonight and she said, "It's good!" high praise for a new book that she didn't choose.

I am a bit worried about the message to parents. This partly has to do with our history with our dear girl. I first noticed language delays (the most obvious of her challenges) at 18 months. Our pediatrician recommended giving her some time to catch up. Good friends of all stripe asked, "What are you worried about? Lot's of kids don't talk until they're two...she'll be fine." At two we got more hand patting and, "Speech Therapy doesn't really work at this age..." (False!) So we waited until she was three to find out about her language delay, and then another year and a half before we learned there was much more to the story. Good news: she is doing great now that we stepped up interventions on many levels. Bad news: Mom is forever haunted by not following the only known effective treatment for ASD of intense interventions happening by 2 years of age if possible. In the end, there are a lot of voices out there telling parents to let their kids "bloom" at their own pace, and in many, many cases this works out just fine. In our case there's no telling what would have happened if we had continued to just let it go. I now tell parents who ask me for advice that if they are concerned they should seek professional advice until they feel their questions are completely answered and addressed. In other words one shouldn't be laying awake at night wondering what's up with their kid. That is what I wish someone had told me. I don't think this is mutually exclusive to the rest of what Leo's parents typify: concerned, watchful, but patient and loving...the snugly tiger family portraits are the best. They all made it!

Book Review - Little House on the Freeway

Little House on the Freeway - Help for the Hurried Home by Dr. Tim Kimmel. I finished reading this book on Saturday night while the kids enjoyed playing in the bathtub. It's a good thing I did because Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were so busy and scheduled that I would not have had time to finish reading it before I was supposed to post this review. Did I need to read this book? Yes! Actually the copy I have is about four years old and has different cover art. I picked it up at a marriage retreat that my husband and I went to when our oldest was just over two. Pretty funny that we both felt so busy and over-scheduled then. Two kids and many new commitments later sometimes I wonder how long we're going to be able to keep this house and its occupants rolling down the freeway. I think this is a fairly common feeling for parents of special needs children. We have all the normal pressures of life: housework, child care, shopping, working, and trying to stay healthy. Add in researching/applying for/driving to therapy sessions, extra meetings at school, extra attention needed for behavioral supports, always one more technique to try, and paperwork, and that's assuming the special needs child doesn't have medical issues. For those of us who pursue a life of faith you can add personal devotions, and church commitments. No wonder I often feel like I'm running the wrong way up an endless escalator.

Interestingly Dr. Kimmel's answer isn't just: "Slow down, silly!" He breaks down inner attitudes that are needed to find true rest, things like forgiveness, a sense of eternity, service, and knowing your gifts. Dr. Kimmel also includes some practical applications for how to bring an attitude of rest to your marriage, your kids, your work, and your other relationships. At the end of the book there is a list of 101 ways to give rest to your family. Some are big (pay off your credit cards - yikes!), some are small (take a walk as a family.) Some are long term (religiously wear your seat belts) some are short term (replace the batteries in your smoke alarm). I really like all of the things that are balanced in this book. There are times when Dr. Kimmel uses a soft touch to make his point and other times where he says, "I know this isn't easy to read, but this is what you need to do..." There are some truly poignant stories used to illustrate his point and others that will make you laugh out loud. Do you like practical tips? There in there. Do you want a more philosophical approach to the idea of rest? Got it. I was particularly blessed by the chapter where Dr. Kimmel describes holding his daughter in the NICU all night as she struggled with apnea. I have a feeling he can relate to special needs parents.

End result: obviously my daily schedule hasn't slowed down a bit. (Is someone fiddling with the speed on that escalator again??) But this book, combined with a renewed commitment to address my own physical health needs, seems to have provided a new sense of focus and calm. When the to do list is too long the most important things are still getting done, and I find it easier to let the other items go.

Rest up, friends, it is a long road!

I Worry, Therefore I Am...

...a mother.

Back before our daughter was diagnosed with her various delays people quite regularly asked me why I was worried about her, and I would reply, "Because I'm her mom and that's my job." It is, unfortunately, also a part of my flesh that I struggle with daily, sometimes hourly. It is clear that God does not want us to worry. One could even go so far as to say that it is a sin to worry, at least when we allow it to distract us from our relationship with God, our rest in Him, or our responsibilities toward others.

I think special needs parents tend to worry a little more than the norm. We might think it is our right since everything about our children's lives can seem so uncertain at times. How will they function as they grow up? Will they have good friendships? Will they come to understand our faith? What effect will this have on their siblings? And on the list of questions goes. And yet I believe this gives us all the more reason to ask for and recognize the work of God's hand in our families.

In the sermon on the mount Jesus told His followers not to worry even about the food they would eat or the clothes they would wear. Jesus said that God generously feeds the birds of the air and clothes the flowers of the field with splendor without them lifting a finger and that God loves us so much more than the birds and the flowers. In the end, He says, "So do not worry, saying 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them." (Matthew 6:31-32, NIV) God showed me with this verse that worry is a form of idolatry. If we are so focused on the things we are worried about that we are running after them, then we're not following hard after God.

Paul gives us the solution to this problem of worry in Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV, emphasis mine) In other words, "Don't worry, PRAY!" For me this now means that every time I feel that anxious tight feeling building in my chest I breathe a prayer for resolution to whatever it is that I'm beginning to worry about. I try to catch it early and often.

A couple of years ago I heard a speaker use an illustration that has been very helpful to me as I have learned to let go of this habit of worry. Evidently a missionary she knew had given a talk about worry somewhere in Africa. A native believer approached the missionary and told him that he had noticed a difference in how Africans and Westerners bring things to God in prayer. He said, "You hold out your hands like a cup with hands outstretched in front of you, while we put our hands out as fists and open them palm down." When you offer God something with palms up it is easy to grab it back from Him and keep worrying about it....have you really let it go or is it still resting in your palms? However when you put out a fist and open it palm down, you cannot grab it back. It has already fallen away into the hands of your loving Father. There is a palpable difference in these two offerings. I know, because I've tried it. There is a definite sense of finality when you open a fist and let the worry fall away. Overwhelming peace immediately follows.
So if you worry as a regular habit in your parenting, consider praying instead, and really leaving your concerns in the hands of our Father.