Spread the Love

It is Valentine's Day (at least for another 15 minutes here on the West Coast) and although I know there are those who discount the day as a "Hallmark" created holiday, who can argue with a day to really set aside some time to let the special people in our lives know that we love them? It's pretty easy to avoid the commercialism and just focus on the love. These are some things our family did this year...

• Love God. It's a command, the Shema, which devoted Jews still give special honor to in their homes. It is the fundamental Love that makes all other love possible:

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 (NIV, emphasis mine)

There are so many ways to express love to God, but I think one of the most important things commanded in this verse is to make your faith in God evident to your children. Our faith is not simply something that drives us to church on Sunday, it should be so ingrained in our actions, words, thoughts, and motives that our children see it and experience it every day in tangible ways.

• Love your helpmate. I wrote a post a while back about how I try to do this. Today my husband and I got creative and instead of going out for dinner we went out for brunch. It happened that his work schedule and my volunteering allowed us an hour this morning to visit a new-ish local cafe and enjoy some one-on-one time without having to pay a babysitter since the kids were all at school or preschool. These times are so rare for us that it almost doesn't matter what we talk about, it helps us refocus and reunite our efforts as a couple to be supportive and have a common vision. Thinking just a little outside the box made it possible today.

• Love yourself.  I suppose the debate will always rage whether there is truly a command to love yourself...but for any parent, and especially those of us who parent a child with special needs, it doesn't matter if it's a commandment - it's a necessity, and one that we often postpone or neglect altogether. I wrote a post about this, too. I've been spending more energy on myself lately, and trying to find ways to do it that don't take extra time away from my children and other duties. I am walking more (one side benefit of moving back to our neighborhood schools), taking time for a shower more often (though not perhaps as often as I'd like), and trying to make sure that I'm drinking lots of fluids if not water. These are small things, but they're making a difference for me - boosting my energy level and keeping me healthier for the long haul.

•  Love your children. Today I made valentine's cards for my husband and for each of my kids. It didn't take very much time, but I hope it will be a long-standing tradition and one that will eventually mean a lot to my children. I'm not a super-gushy-snuggly-mom type. I try to tell and show my kids every day that I love them. These cards are just a tangible reminder of my love. I took especial care with my oldest daughter's card. I made a heart surrounded by a rainbow, a new obsession of hers. I wrote:

I love how hard you work to learn and to help. I love how you love rainbows. I am so  proud of you! Most of all I love you because you are you!

 I tried to use simple language and my best handwriting so that she could read it all herself (a skill she is becoming increasingly confident in) and I hope the words will go deep into her sense of self-worth.

•  Love others. As part of a service project in Sunday School we decided to make Valentine's cards for some residents in an assisted living community not far from our church. We spent time each Sunday during Sunday School making cards, but also brought some home and worked on them during spare moments - while watching TV or waiting for dinner to get ready. With help from friends we made 80 valentines and delivered them Sunday after church. The staff was going to hand them out today. I'm sure many of the residents won't get many other valentines, and I hope the small gesture will remind them that people care and more importantly that God cares.

How will you spread the love this year?

A New Christmas Story

The other day my daughter came and asked me if she could do "stickers on my computer." By this she means she wants to use the clip art in Word. As I was setting her up she said she wanted to use Jesus stickers because it is Christmas. So I typed "Jesus" in the clip art search box and left her to do her thing. She is getting pretty good with Word. She picked out four clip art pictures:

After picking them she needed a little help making them larger and then she wanted to print them out in color. Then she wanted to "read" the story to us, first Daddy, then me. Daddy came away from the story with a grin, so I knew this was going to be good. After she told me the story I asked her if we could write it down so I would be able to remember it. She wasn't too keen on this, but she did write down the first line herself and then dictated the others to me. So here for your reading pleasure is my daughter's Christmas story:

one Day There wus in egg in Jesus crADL.
(One day there was an egg in Jesus' cradle.)
The house was very dark.
All the animals came to sleep with Jesus.
The plus (the star) glowed in the dark; every night it did.
Jesus was fast asleep. He made those four lines. (by snoring)

There is so much about this story that I love, but I'll focus in on three of them.

• It shows me how much she relies on visual cues to understand and therefore sometimes misinterprets what is going on. I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be baby Jesus' head in the manger, not an egg. She's right, though, it does look like an egg, and why shouldn't there be an egg in a stable manger? I suppose there were chickens around...I don't know.
• I love the very real sense of personhood that she envisions for Jesus. No halos and meek and mild baby here. He's fast asleep and snoring away. Did you ever imagine Jesus snoring? I wonder if he did...
• It's another misinterpretation, but very special in its own way. That's a crucifix, not the Christmas star (or a plus, for that matter), but we do often show the Christmas star in a cross shape, and why is that? Have you ever seen a star with a cross shape? I'm not too much of a star gazer, but I have never seen anything but brilliant points of light, twinkling to be sure, but pretty much circular if anything. Meanwhile, isn't it good to remember Easter even as we celebrate Christmas? His birthday wouldn't be so special if the whole purpose of His coming wasn't what it was. He came with the express purpose of paying the penalty of our sins by dying on a cross. He not only died but He also conquered death by coming back to life on Easter morning. How fabulous to be reminded even as He lays in a manger (cuddling His egg and snoring?) that He came to fill us with abundant life.

This story, by the way, is now wrapped and sitting next to Santa's cookies and milk. Yes, she made a story about Jesus to give to Santa. I love it.

Merry Christmas to you and all of those you love.

May you be blessed with His peace and goodwill this season.

Amen.

Using Someone with Skin On

After two weeks off I'm trying to jump back in with both feet by linking up with the blog carnival over at (in)courage. I may have missed the cutoff since I generally write so late in the day. I'd still "(in)courage" you to check them out. It is a sweet site. More on them later, probably.

Our assignment for the blog carnival is to write about someone who encourages us, specifically someone in Christian ministry. My usual post for the day is a Bible theme related to Special Needs, so let's see if I can make this all come together.

I would like to honor our most recent Pastor at the church we attend. He would die a thousand deaths if he knew I was typing this right now, so I will not mention his name, but many of you know who I'm talking about. I may not have shared as openly before how much he has encouraged me, though. Many of you are already fans, and I hope my own story will make yours that much sweeter.

This Pastor is the one who performed our wedding ceremony, instructing my husband to treat me as fine china in spite of my strong personality and personal achievements. He is the one who encouraged me to pursue every avenue of treatment when my anxiety disorder threatened our first year of marriage, medication and Biblical counseling included. He dedicated our oldest daughter to the Lord in those early days when we thought she was just a feisty and independent little so-and-so. He helped us with remodeling projects. He came over the day that my husband lost his job and brought muffins. He visited me in the hospital when I was on bed rest for six weeks while expecting our twins. He and his wife came over shortly after the twins were born and loved on them while I got dinner ready. When we first started to understand our daughter's challenges more they were there with wisdom, advice, more babysitting, and coming to IEPs. They helped us understand "the system" and what was happening with our daughter. Several months later when I was at my wit's end he sat with me on Christmas Eve, of all days, and gave me several scriptures and lots of advice, and most of all prayer. He joined me in praying that God would provide "a way out" of the anger, frustration, and outright fatigue that I was experiencing. Just a couple of weeks later God did provide the beginning of the way out. In short, at every major turning point for almost ten years now my Pastor has been Jesus with skin on to me.

You may be wondering how a Pastor would know much about IEPs and the school system. He is also the father of a young man who has Fragile X Syndrome and autism. He has allowed God to use his son's challenges to teach him, and our whole church family, so much. He has poured himself out for our church and for his family. A couple of weeks ago he gave his last sermon at our church. The demands of caring for his son have been overwhelming for years now, and he felt God leading him to move out of active ministry and care for himself and his family. I would ask you all to pray for them as they face many changes now and in the near future. Pray God's provision, and that the Church will show up for them as they have so often for others.

One of my favorite scriptures that my Pastor and his wife have both shared with me to encourage me is

Isaiah 40:11 - He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. (NIV)

God cares for our little ones so much. They are close to His heart. And He is gently leading us, too. Sometimes He uses someone with skin on to lead us...thanks be to God!

In Awe of Jochebed

You remember Jochebed, right? Her name is listed in Exodus 6:20 as the wife of Amram (who?) and the mother of Aaron and Moses (oh, him!..you know, the Ten Commandments.) I am preparing a Sunday School lesson about the story of Moses as a 3-month old baby, and while the lesson focuses on how God protected Moses and will take care of us, too, as a Mom I started thinking about what Jochebed must have been thinking and feeling.

The events take place toward the end of the 400 years of slavery for the Hebrew people in Egypt (ca. year 320.) The Hebrew people have been thriving, at least reproductively, in spite of all their hard labor. The Egyptian rulers fear that they will become too numerous and rebel, perhaps joining forces with one of their enemies, and so they enforce a strict population control method. First they order the midwives to kill all the male children, but the midwives do not comply, and God blesses them by providing them with more work, more Hebrew children are born. Then a strict edict comes down, "Every boy that is born [to the Hebrews] you must throw into the Nile, but let every girl live." (Exodus 1:22, NIV)

Back to Jochebed: She already has an older daughter (Miriam) and son (Aaron, approximately 3 years old at this time). She gives birth to another son and chooses first to hide her newborn. After a few months it becomes clear that she can't safely hide him (colic, perhaps?). She decides to follow the letter of the law if not the spirit. She gets a basket, covers it with tar and tree sap to waterproof it, and puts her son in the reeds of the Nile. She leaves Miriam to watch over him. I wonder if she placed him strategically. The Bible doesn't say how much time goes by before the Egyptian Princess comes to the Nile to bathe, hears the baby crying and rescues him from the reeds. Miriam steps up and asks if the Princess would like a Hebrew wet-nurse. With the Princess agreeing to this idea Miriam runs home to get her mother. So Jochebed's intelligence and faith are rewarded by being able to raise her son until he is weaned and adopted into the royal Egyptian family.

I find myself wanting to emulate Jochebed. In particular, she must have fully entrusted her son's life to God. There were any number of dangers that could have brought death to her tiny baby as she placed that basket in the Nile. I suppose crocodiles, drowning, dehydration, and starvation are among likely hazards to a baby floating solo on the Nile. Putting Miriam there to watch over him is almost another evidence of Jochebed's faith. Surely she didn't expect Miriam to watch her little brother's demise. She must have been expecting something good. She came up with a creative solution to extend her boy's chances at life as long as possible.

No one's asking me to throw my children into the Nile, but they do have to go out into a culture and a society that runs counter to our values, beliefs, and practices. Even those who home school, control their childrens' media and Internet exposure, and eat only home-raised organic food cannot completely remove their offspring from this World, nor should we, I think. Jesus said that His followers are "in the World," but "not of the World," (John 17:11 and 16, respectively.)  I am stretching my faith, shaping spiritual "baskets" around my children, choosing a good spot to launch them, and watching to see what God will do. For me, this is a process that will take years, while Jochebed had just a few days, hours even, to literally send a newborn into the unknown. Next time I start to worry about my childrens' future I will remember Jochebed and her faith.

This post is participating in the Moms' 30-Minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom.

The Power of Friendship

I have been greatly rejoicing in my friends recently. We had the pleasure of hosting several friends who came to visit over the Summer. Two "college days" friends of my husband came to visit, and one of my friends that I've known since graduate school also stayed with us for a couple of days. Each visit had its own flavor, and each one was special in its own way. These are friends that we don't get to see often, and every minute with them is worth its weight in gold, if minutes can be weighed.

Last week I took my kids on an adventure to San Francisco. We rode the local light rail system (BART) with a more local friend and her kids. We walked by the Ferry Building and then up to Yerba Buena Gardens, which is (ahem) a bit of a hike for six kids and two moms. Along the way I lost (well to be accurate I inadvertently abandoned) my backpack - which contained many important items including my purse, my car keys, and our return tickets on BART. When I realized it was probably back by the Ferry Building I looked in horror at my friend and just said, "Can you take the kids?" She replied, "Call me if you need anything." (She didn't even chew me out for my absent-mindedness!) In between kicking myself all the way back to the Ferry Building and praying to God for a miracle, I marvelled at the strength of a friend who would in the bat of an eye take on my kids in the middle of a crisis and offer more help if needed. If you want to know the end of the story: the backpack was there, untouched, unharmed, slightly warmer from a nap in the sun, and yes my estimation of the honesty of people in general did go up just a pinch. My belief in answered prayers...well!

On the other side of the board, we have several friends that are hurting. Their reasons are personal and even without putting names to them it feels wrong to give details, so let me just say there are half a dozen people around us experiencing truly traumatic life changes and conflicts that are potentially overwhelming. I'm not talking about hangnails here. I am a bit of a "fixer" and it agitates me to no end to know I have friends with problems that I can't fix for them. I can dispense hugs, I can "take their kids" so to speak, I can spend time with them and encourage them, but I can't fix it.

Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times,/ and a brother is born for adversity." (NIV)

The Hebrew word used here for brother is 'ach (awkh), which can mean literal brother, but is also used in the sense of "brother by choice, ally, companion, or colleague." (Strong's Concordance, 251; and Vine's Bible Dictionary) In other words, people were made to stick together - through lost backpacks and high water. We are meant to support and encourage one another.

There's another quote out there on Facebook that grabbed my attention this week, "Never make someone a priority when they just make you an option." It sounds good on the surface, and probably is at some level sage advice, but after thinking about it a minute I thought to myself, "I'm glad Jesus didn't buy that bumper sticker." Speaking only for myself, I made Him "an option" for a long time before I realized how He made me (and the whole world) a priority.

John 15:12-14 (NIV) - Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. [emphasis mine]

Romans 5:7,8 (NIV) - Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. [emphasis mine]

I hope, as with all things, that when it comes to friendship I can have the attitude of Christ.

Dealing with "Guilt"

As promised, I want to spend some time talking about "parent guilt." This is a big topic, and I'm not at all sure that I'll properly address it in one short post. The topic came up from watching Lorenzo's Oil a couple of weeks ago, which I reviewed last Wednesday. Briefly, it is the story of a family faced with a debilitating disorder affecting their youngest/only son (the father had children from a previous marriage). During part of the movie the parents are told that the disease is carried in the mother's genes (an X-linked mutation) and the mother's reaction is a textbook "guilt" response. She says something to the effect of, "You mean this is my fault?" and, for some period of time afterward, she cuts off contact with her family and pours all of her efforts into "fixing" her son.

Sometimes I am glad that autism has no "known" cause. There is evidently some genetic link and some environmental factor, and a piece of me dreads the day that it becomes better defined than that...particularly if it can clarify what exactly affected our own dear daughter. Genes are what they are...there is nothing that we can currently choose about what makes up our own DNA or which DNA gets passed along to our offspring; at least not until after the fact, and you can read how I feel about that here. Even environmental factors are hard to completely control. How many places do you see the signs that say "this area contains chemicals known to cause birth defects?" Do you keep your hand on the nozzle when you're pumping your gasoline? Is there lead in your pipes that you don't know about? It's a dangerous world. Somehow as a parent you want to shield your children from anything that can harm them and the knowledge that you might be in any way linked to something that brings trouble upon them is horrifying. I recall a day fairly early in our daughter's life when I was dutifully strapping her into her little infant seat and I inadvertently, sleep-deprivedly, somehow pinched her little tummy in the belt clip. I was so angry at myself I think I cried almost as many tears as she did. That little welt disappeared in just a few days. How will I respond if someday I learn it was my DNA or my former work as an organic chemist, or my...that leaves her struggling every day to interact with everyone around her in socially acceptable ways. I guess I decided I should start processing it all now...just in case.

Tuesday posts are about seeing what God says about these kinds of questions. Coincidentally (?) my pastor's daily scripture verse e-mail today said this:

John 9

1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
6 Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. 7 “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

How might God's MIGHT be displayed in your life today?

I had actually been thinking about this exact passage in relation to parent "guilt" before I received this e-mail. I will probably need to study it more closely and may post more on the topic later. For now a few points are clear:

• In Jesus' time his culture defined differences as being the result of individual sin, rather than understanding at least some (and perhaps most) as being the consequence of original sin. We live in a fallen, and therefore dangerous, world.
• Challenges can be an opportunity for God to reveal Himself to us and to those around us.
• God is powerful and no matter what we are facing, He is bigger.
• God is full of grace and mercy.
• Spending time pointing fingers may keep us from experiencing God at work...night is coming.

So as long as it is day I will work and live in the Light.

This post is participating in the Moms' 30-Minute Blog Challenge.

Sunday Digest 20

Hard to believe I've written twenty of these "best of the web" for special needs parents...is that a milestone or what? No particular theme this time around, just some mesmerizing stories - thought provoking and perhaps frustrating...


1) Let's start with the frustrating and get that one out of the way so we can have some fun. In case you were living under the balmy delusion that our society is beginning to accept the importance and the responsibility of providing appropriate education for students with special needs, well...you may not WANT to read this post at Autism Unexpected, but you SHOULD. Look over the comments. I had a hard time pulling myself away from them in that sort of "horror movie" shock where you don't want to look, but you just have to. I couldn't resist adding a couple of comments of my own.

2) This post by Insideout510 over at Hopeful Parents is decidedly more, well, hopeful. It shows the kind of pro-active-get-involved-never-say-quit kind of special needs parenting that someday may keep those naysayers in the previous entry in their place. I applaud the energy and time this parent was able to put into giving her daughter a Summer to remember, forever.

3) I enjoyed the perspective of this piece at Specialgathering. Will your legacy be one of a few shining relics hotly traded by enthusiasts or a quiet on-going producer and provider of useful goods and livelihoods?

4) This post by Bird on the Street offers a new perspective on the vaccine controversy, and a different approach similar to what we used with our twins when we found out shortly after they were born that our daughter might be on the autism spectrum. Katy mentions The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert Sears, which sounds like an excellent resource on the topic.

5) Sticking with my recent practice of posting a link to an encouraging worship song, I hope you'll enjoy this one by Casting Crowns. Our Sunday School lesson today was (in part) about how God makes each of us unique and loves us not because of who we are or what we do, but because of who He is.

You Can't Just Slap on a Bandaid

Today on the way home from a friend's house my daughter said she needed a bandaid. She meant she wanted a band aid "right now." I was driving at the time, so I asked her why she needed one, and she said her foot was hurting. I had noticed her walking funny on the way to the van, but she often walks a little funny just because. I knew pretty quickly what was wrong. She had been wearing flip-flops around our friend's yard, and they have boysenberry vines with lots of big thorns. I figured she had a thorn in her foot. I also knew that just putting on a band aid wouldn't help...short term or long term. Short term the pain would still be there...long term it would fester, get infected, and take a lot longer to heal. What we really needed to do was dig out the thorn, then put on disinfectant and finally a band aid. I told my daughter, who was now in tears because I wasn't stopping the van right then to get out a band aid, that I would have to look at her foot first. When we got home she went into the house ahead of me and by the time I had her siblings unstrapped and herded into the house she had already appropriated a band aid, but was still limping around the house. Unfortunately it was already late for dinner, so I threw one container of leftovers in the microwave, grabbed the bottle of disinfectant and convinced my daughter to follow me back into the bathroom where there was enough light, tweezers, and more band aids. By this time even she had figured out that just slapping the band aid on wasn't working, but she still wasn't too keen on the tweezers idea, or the disinfectant for that matter. Luckily the thorn was sticking out quite a bit and it was relatively easy to remove once I had all the tools at my disposal. After it was out we examined it, and tossed it in the garbage.

As I returned to the kitchen to continue my haphazard dinner prep the spiritual application of what had just transpired would not leave me. So many times when I witness something unpleasant in my character, or when another person offends me I would just love a quick fix. Slap a band aid on please.

Getting angry too often? Try counting to ten, deep breaths...if all else fails scream into a pillow until the moment passes. Do these techniques really get to the heart of the matter though - my heart? My anger most often comes from fatigue and fear. The former because I'm always taking on that one extra project...the latter because I like to be in control, and deep down I know I'm not. So counting to ten is good and all, but unless I address the tired and timid spirit in me I'm going to be stuck in a loop of anger. Eventually counting to ten won't work anymore. What I really need is to ask my Loving Father to use His Tweezers (His Word, the Holy Spirit, wise counsel...) and remove these sinful habits from me. I need the spiritual bactine of worship and prayer applied liberally to the affected area several times daily. Then I can rest in the soothing protection of His love, which binds up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).

What about when it's someone else's sin that offends? Shouldn't I just be the bigger person and brush it off, walk away, move on? That's just slapping a different brand of band aid on. I do believe we should work on our character so that we aren't offended by every little thing: a misdirected arched eyebrow...a gaze that lingers a little too long...a tube of toothpaste that is all squished in the middle instead of being rolled up neatly from the end. However, if we are genuinely offended, we can't just ignore it. These things have a way of revisiting us days, weeks, months, and even years later. It's not comfortable to sit with someone and say, "I was hurt by what you did..." but it is so necessary.

God has taught me this lesson so many ways, and at so many different times, but it became clear in a fresh way today. Being the one in charge of removing the thorn gave me a different perspective. My daughter didn't want me to look at her foot, or touch it in any way. The slightest brush of the tweezers sent her into panic mode. I finally told her to lay on her tummy, close her eyes, and hold her breath. That kept her still enough to give me good purchase on the thorn with the tweezers and in short order we were able to examine the trouble in an objective manner and move on. I knew that what I was doing for her was to her benefit, even if she didn't like it, but I needed her to trust me and be still. Oh, to be brave enough to submit to my Father's Hands in the same way.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him... Psalm 37:7 (NIV)

Angels Part Seven - On Guard

This is the seventh of eight posts based on the Bible Study Guide "Angels" by Douglas Connelly, A LifeGuide Bible Study. Today's study is based on Acts 12:1-17, which recounts the rich story of Peter's miraculous escape from prison, where he was being heavily guarded on "death row."

Even though Peter has witnessed his fellow apostle James, the brother of John, put to death with a sword; even though it is the anniversary of Jesus' arrest, torture and crucifixion (the text notes that Peter's escape occurs during Passover week); one can see that Peter is living in the power of the resurrection. He is bound with heavy chains at the wrist, personally guarded by four soldiers, and peacefully sleeping in his cell.

An angel appears and lights up the cell. Peter is so sound asleep that the angel has to strike him on the side to wake him up. The text tells us that Peter thought he was experiencing a vision...as well he might. Peter had some pretty intense visions (see Acts 10). Still he knew enough to obey the angel's directions, so after his chains fall off (!) he gets up, gets dressed, and follows the angel past every sentry on guard.

One might think the guards were sleeping on the job, but these are Roman soldiers, four squads of four soldiers each, so they're only working six hour shifts, and they know the penalty for misplacing a prisoner...I doubt they were sleeping, but Peter and his angel guide pass right by without any interference.

The angel does not waste time or explain much, but simply gives orders and expects them to be fulfilled.He knows what Peter needs, where he needs to go, and how to get him there safely. He is a personal escort, sent by God to lead Peter to safety.

The angel leads Peter out through the city gate, which opens by itself for them. I don't think we're talking about a picket fence with loose hinges on the gate here. I'm no expert on these things, but I imagine opening the city gate was normally a job for more than one person. Here it opens as if it were a modern automatic door.

Shortly thereafter the angel disappears and Peter (finally) realizes it is not a dream, not a vision, but that he is really free. He knows just where to go - prayer meeting! And even though those attending the prayer meeting have been earnestly praying for his release, they don't believe it when he shows up on the doorstep. Talk about an answer to prayer! Poor Peter's standing on the doorstep, "Hey, guys! Let me in, quick!"

Peter's turn to disappear. When he is nowhere to be found the King orders the guards who lost him to pay the ultimate price. This, again, is reminiscent of the resurrection, except that the guards who let Jesus get away were spared death, rather they were paid to keep silent.

Why is Peter rescued where James was executed? This is a specific form of an age old question, "Why me, God?" The whole book of Job is full of this question, and God's answer is because He is God. He is sovereign. He knows. Peter still had work to do, people to meet, lessons to learn. James, evidently was ready to graduate, but only God knew their stories and how and when they would end.

We can pray and ask God for deliverance, protection, and angel guides. Many times they are probably there without us knowing it. Still we must remember that God's answer is sometimes "no" but He still knows what is best. Psalm 91 describes His desire to protect us, but also places the emphasis on relying on Him:

If you make the Most High your dwelling-

even the Lord, who is my refuge-

then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

Psalm 91:9-10 (NIV)

Sunday Digest 14

Happy Valentine's Day to all my readers! I think today's links have a common theme of how much we as a society, as a Christian community, and as individuals have to learn about love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not
self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does
not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

1) This on-line article at ChristianityToday.com considers a Christian response to a research study aimed at developing drug therapies for individuals with Down Syndrome. Should developmental delays, particularly those caused by genetic variations be considered as a disease to be cured? If treatment is administered does it mean we don't value that individual as they are created? Interesting questions and comments...

2) This blog post by Shatter Nicely makes me sad. Though clearly only one component of what pushed her away from Christianity, I hope this church's (small c) response to a special needs child (ADHD) and his parents is becoming a thing of the past. I'll have to finish reading this series.

3) More from crosswalk.com on eliminating the R-word from our vocabulary.

4) A beautiful video I first spotted on 5 Minutes for Special Needs. It says a lot!

5) To provide the best care for our children we need help in a lot of areas. This post at Hopeful Parents suggests three key areas that are the foundation of a strong support system.

Reclaiming the Sparks with your Spouse

Call this one more of a goal than something that I have mastered. Valentine's Day is coming. I just did a quick search for statistics on how well marriages for parents of special needs are faring. Unfortunately I couldn't find any well-documented studies. It seems there is an 80% divorce rate figure that is thrown around a lot without any reference...All I can say from personal experience is that after a long day of supporting our child through getting ready for school to getting ready for bed, perhaps with a meeting at school and some research on a new support tool thrown into the mix, not to mention the rest of my "mommy" duties. There's usually not much left to be "wifely" with. My strategies to date are small steps in the right direction to maintain at least a tenuous grasp on romance in the midst of running the race:

• Do the small stuff: My husband likes muffins for breakfast - I bake them. He also likes home made cookies. I write a note on the napkin in his lunch bag when he is working away from home.
• Occasionally make a larger effort: We are planning to sneak away for a couple of hours this weekend to watch a movie in a real theater.
• Make time to talk: Lately the best time for us to talk is when we're all in our van on a 20 minute or so road trip. We are fortunate to have a DVD player in our van which can usually keep the kids distracted while we chat. Spousal e-mails only go so far.
• Worship together: Nothing brings us closer than sitting in God's presence together.
• Work together: Probably the biggest change for us in the last year was taking a class together and learning new strategies to help our daughter. Prior to this we at times had opposite approaches for addressing our daughter's behavior. While we still have our individual ways of working with her, we are more united in our end goal and have more common vocabulary for discussing issues when they arise.

I have a lot to learn in this area...if you care to educate me, feel free to leave a comment below. (Unless you're a spam-bot which has been happening a lot lately...)

This post is part of the Moms' 30-Minute Blog Challenge.

Remembering Christ at Christmas

This past Sunday I taught Sunday School for my daughter's class. I've been working out a new curriculum for our younger children's class (ages 4-7) to try to make things work better for the children and the teachers. Someday I'll share more about that, but for now I wanted to focus on a lesson that I learned. Starting the last Sunday in November we've been talking about Christmas in Sunday School. November 29 was the first Sunday of Advent, so we made advent wreaths and talked about how God told the prophets that Jesus was coming 700 years before He was born. December 6 we talked about how God sent an angel to tell Mary that she would give birth to Jesus. December 13 we talked about how Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem and that Jesus was born in a stable. This Sunday I told the story of the angels telling the shepherds that Jesus had been born, and that the shepherds went to Bethlehem to find Jesus (scroll down for the cotton ball sheep). Through all of these stories and crafts we've been focused on telling the children about Jesus being born, but I wondered if they had connected Jesus' birth with Christmas.

At the end of my story I asked the children if they knew what was happening on Friday.

"Christmas" they all shouted..."Santa will come"..."We get to open presents"...etc. I tried to draw the connection back to Jesus' birth, but their minds were full of Santa and presents and Christmas trees...We continued the lesson, but I struggled with making that connection stronger for them.

I am not one to rule out Santa as part of our holiday traditions...this is how my very strong Christian parents raised us. We had Santa gifts, put out the plate of cookies, and as we got older my brother and I schemed to try to catch Santa in the act, but we also always knew that the far greater reason for Christmas was to celebrate Jesus' birthday. As I reflected on that heritage I remembered some dear friends who used to share their home with us on Christmas Eve. In their family they had a tradition of making a birthday cake for Jesus and sharing it together on Christmas Eve.

Now, my daughter loves birthdays...her own and anyone else's, and there is no more hard and fast way to prove that it's someone's birthday except to make a cake and sing the Happy Birthday song to them. I googled it and there are a lot of ideas of just how to do this. I'll probably try a much simpler version of this one. We'll be trying this out this year to see if we can't refocus our child's mind, if ever so briefly, on the Greatest Gift that we received that first Christmas, rather than the trinkets under the tree. I'll let you know how it goes.

Good, good, good...The Fruit of the Spirit Part 6, cont.

To review: Our children taught us a couple of weeks ago that goodness can be not so much in the behavior of the object as in the value placed by the observer. For reference consider Genesis 1:31 (NIV) "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good..." God's initial estimation of His creation was that it was very good. I don't know about the rest of you, but as a mom sometimes I struggle with my self-image in terms of whether or not I am good enough, mostly because in my heart of hearts I don't want to be "just" good enough...I want to exceed expectations: my own (which are high), other people's (often unknown), and to be honest maybe even God's.



The futility of that last point is obvious. Throughout the Bible we are told that God has an accurate view of who we are. Just two examples that come quickly to mind:

• Psalm 103:14 (NIV) - "...for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."


• Isaiah 64:6 (NIV) - "...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..."

I cannot win God's favor by any act of my own. Even my good stuff is like a well-used dust mop in His view, and because of my human frailty I will not always be able to do the good stuff. However, He still views me a a precious daughter not because of what I have done, but because He has made me good through the work of Jesus on the cross, and through the continuing work of His Holy Spirit in my life.



In John 16 Jesus tells His disciples that it is for their good that He is going away so that the Counselor (the Holy Spirit) will come (verse 7). He goes on to explain that the Holy Spirit will teach us the standards of sin and righteousness, by telling us what God wants us to hear.



I am convinced that I cannot meet any measure of goodness on my own. I must learn to rely more on God's Spirit to show me the way to go, and rest in His assurance that He sees me as very good.

-------------------------

This post is part of the Moms' 30-minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom. It is also the latest installment in a series on the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23, see left) learned from our children and from the Bible. You can see previous posts in the series by going to my "blog schedule" page and looking through the Tuesday and Thursday posts.

Goodness Gracious Child - Fruit of the Spirit Part 6

First I want to apologize for not being able to post this as scheduled yesterday. For some reason I could not log in to Blogger. Actually I couldn't even get to the log in page of Blogger. So to clarify, although the date of this post says Friday, it really is a Thursday Learning from our Children post...and continues in our series on the Fruit of the Spirit. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Once again I find myself in the midst of a mystery. How can a child with behavior problems be teaching me about goodness? This requires a little research. Let's go back to the Greek and see what Paul is really talking about here. The Greek word is agathosune (ag-ath-o-soo-nay) and guess what it means: goodness, virtue, beneficence. It comes from the word agathos (ag-ath-os) which means good, benefit, or well. All right then, what exactly do we mean by the word good. In this world of moral relativism, what does good mean, anyway? For such a small word, it seems it is hard to wrap it in a nice neat package. According to the En Carta World English Dictionary (1999) there are 33 uses or definitions! Here are three that jumped out at me when viewed through the prism of a child with special needs:

When used as an adjective:

• indicating that something is approved of or desirable
• having the appropriate qualities to be something or to fit a particular purpose
• worthy of honor or high esteem

This is a paradigm shift. Did you catch it? If not, re-read the bullets then continue...
Goodness is not a characteristic generated by the individual. Rather it is a gift bestowed by the observer. To be specific: in the end it does not matter how many tantrums my little girl had today, the key is how I view her. Do I approve of her, find her desirable, remember that she was created for a purpose, and consider her worthy of esteem? These are my choices, not hers. I can choose to call her good when I remember how God looks upon me. Every person bears His image. Each of us is marred in some way by sin - our own and others' - but when He looks at us He sees Jesus. God knew that we could never be "good for" our debt of sin...we could never pay the penalty of not meeting His standard of "good - having or showing an upright and virtuous character" all the time. So He sent Jesus to cover our debt, and when we accept His payment He no longer sees the debts, just that Jesus paid it all. I can choose this same attitude toward my daughter. I can choose to see her goodness as a fellow image bearer of God. This really could change everything.

Sunday Digest 6

1. This time of year all sorts of kids are starting all sorts of new activities, but when I saw this article at 5 Minutes for Special Needs, it really made me think. How brave that this mom is helping her child do something that many might say she should never do. How sweet that her big brother is coming alongside to teach her and encourage her. What a great example to all of us!

2. I can relate to this post at Blissfully Domestic. I can't tell you the number of times I've been mid-tug-of-war with my daughter and God hits a little bell "Ding! This is how you sometimes look to Me, but I still love you!" It happens most commonly when she is begging for something that I want to give her, but just can't yet (like juice right before dinner). I'm asking her to wait and she just keeps begging. Listening to God's little bell helps me respond in a more loving way.

3. Researchers at UCLA seem to be making headway in developing a program to teach teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) how to make friends. Seems like great news! I want to know if they can do the same with a five year old. If so, sign us up! I don't want to wait eight years.

4. In case you are wondering or don't already know, ideally this is how the whole Individual Education Plan (IEP) is supposed to work. Reality...well... (By the way, it looks like this article originated in Iowa, so "Child Find" may not exist in your state. I've never heard of such a program in California...)

5. I have been curious for some time how autism and other special needs are affecting developing countries. This post on Hopeful Parents answers my question and shares about an organization that is directly working with parents in these countries to help them learn strategies to help their children. Amazing.


You can see a list of Sunday Digests (and other posts) here.

The Love of God - Fruit of the Spirit Part 1 cont.

Love is the first fruit promised to us when the Holy Spirit is in control of our lives. Love is a large topic, so I want to just focus on God's love, because that should be the love the Holy Spirit empowers us to give. I am reminded of one of my favorite hymns:

Could we with ink the oceans fill,
And were the sky of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the oceans dry,
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

And yet I attempt to summarize this key quality of God in a blog post. Right. Please remember that in I John 4:8 (NIV)the apostle John teaches us that "God is love." Meaning God defines love and love is an integral part of God. Everything He does is out of love. To try to pat that all into three paragraphs and a poem would be impossible. I will narrow my focus to three key aspects of God's love.

First, God's love is unconditional. If you have a relationship with God it is fun to consider how He pursued you to establish that relationship. The journey for each person is different. For myself, I was raised by parents who are both strong in the Christian faith, but I still had to be put in a place where I would deliberately choose that faith to be my own. The key thing is that for all of us He pursued us in order to love us even when we were running the other way. Romans 5:7-8 (NIV) says, "Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He started chasing us from the cross, even as we were pounding in the nails. Wow.

Second, God's love is resilient. When God's love is bestowed, there is nothing that can remove it. Romans 8:37 (NIV) says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." We tend to think of death as being so final and powerful, unavoidable, and yet we are promised that even death has not the power to separate us from God's love. Wow.

Third, God's love is understanding. In one of many verses with a similar theme, Joel 2:13 (NIV) says "Return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Written to God's chosen people in the Old Testament who have repeatedly turned their backs on God only to beg for deliverance when things get tough, this verse takes on new meaning. God says, "Yes, I know you have stopped obeying me, but I also know that you are frail, weak, and needy. I won't display anger here, instead I'll display grace, compassion, and love." Wow.

The only way I can love unconditionally, through any challenge, and with abundant understanding, it to totally rely on God to be the source of love in me. I must ask for this moment by moment, and trust that He will provide.

Learning Love - Fruit of the Spirit Part 1

I thought we should examine each aspect of the Fruit of the Spirit as listed in Galatians 5:22-23 from two different sources. First, what do our children teach us about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? Second, what does God's word teach about these qualities?

Most parents will attest that they never knew exactly how strong love could be until they became a parent. I remember during the first few weeks after our daughter was born holding her as she was sleeping and weeping at the enormity of wanting so much to take care of her and yet not really knowing how to go about it. Somehow I think parental love takes on an almost fierce quality when the child it is bestowed on has special needs. Although we may not always understand our children ourselves, we will not tolerate anyone or anything that even hints of disregard, harm, or mistreatment. It is why I squirm every time I see someone use "special needs" to equate to silly or ignorant behavior. It is why there was mild outrage over President Obama's "slip of the tongue" with respect to the Special Olympics. That fierce love will also fight through any financial, bureaucratic, logistical, or prejudicial barrier to find or provide the right treatment, program, equipment, or professional to work with our children. They say one should never get between a mama bear and her cub...they ain't seen nothin' yet.

I think we also learn about love directly from our children. Even if they don't express love in "normative" ways, they do know love. I remember reading the book "The Five Love Languages..." while dating my husband and learning that his way of expressing love is by giving gifts. Our daughter does the same thing. She of her own initiative gives things to people she has made a connection to: a picture she drew, some flowers from our yard, a bead from her collection, etc. What she's saying as she hands out these trinkets is "I love you, I enjoy being with you, I want to spend more time with you". This child, who has required social skills training to learn how to share toys, has from a young age known how to express love. I should be so generous in my own expressions of love both to her and to others God has called me to love.

The Fruit of the Spirit

I have been feeling challenged lately to walk by the Spirit. Back in May I attended a retreat fully expecting God to convict me of some area of my life that I needed to "work" on as that had been my experience at similar retreats in the past. Instead I found God telling me to enjoy my life, to fully experience what He is calling me to do, but to stop "striving", to stop trying to do it on my own power. One piece of that was a commitment to try to spend some time each day praising God for what He is doing. That has been harder to do than it sounds - with our busy household I can easily get through the day without stopping for even a few minutes to contemplate what God is doing around me. I'm working on finding a way to remind myself, even if it is right before I finally crawl into bed. Just writing about it here I'm hoping will make a difference.

Last week our church had a special prayer evening and one portion of the evening was focused on confessing and repenting in preparation for celebrating The Lord's Supper (communion). As I participated in this God directed me to Galatians 5:16-26 where the Apostle Paul teaches us the difference between living by the Spirit rather than by our sinful nature. It is a striking contrast: fits of rage, selfish ambition, hatred, etc. juxtaposed with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

It seems like the times I struggle most with living out the fruit of the Spirit is in my relationship with my special needs child. I know God is using her to refine my character and make me more like Him, and this life in the Spirit seems to be a key step. For the next several posts that I draw from scripture, I'll be writing about the fruit of the Spirit (I just noticed that it is singular FRUIT even though it has several parts...like the triune Godhead, how fitting). I know God will use it in my life and I hope it will be encouraging to you as well.

Beating Boring Barriers

There is no such thing as true boredom when raising a special needs child. There is always more to learn, another challenge waiting around the corner, and all of those great curve balls that come our way. However, there are times when we can feel a bit "stifled" by some of the restrictions that seem imposed on our lives by meeting our children's needs.

My daughter, for example, is very particular about public restrooms. She is unwilling to use many of them although her reasons are not always clear. We still go to a lot of different places, but our subset is much smaller than it could be. She loves to play at parks, but until recently was only willing to use the restroom at one park, which made it difficult to attend play dates and other social gatherings at different parks. Gradually we are working together to try new places. Today she actually asked to go to a different park than the one we usually go to. Our world is expanding! -- but it's been a two year process. Parents of typically developing children do not understand why it is such a big deal to go to a different park. They may go to a dozen different parks with their children without giving it a second thought.

How do we cope with the barriers and boundaries that our children's special needs impose on us?

First, recognize that life changed the moment you became a parent regardless of the special needs your child has. As a parent we are called to meet our child's needs to the best of our ability. Jesus teaches in Matthew 7:9 --

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks
for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know
how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in
heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" (NIV)

In other words, we give our children what they need and if those needs have a high cost, we still strive to meet them. We bear the image of God in these acts of provision.

Second, remember that the time is short. Paul writes in I Corinthians 7:29-31 --

"...From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away." (NIV)

The time of being a parent is short, and beyond that, the time of this world is short. Remembering that we will look back on this brief span of eternity as "light and momentary troubles" (II Corinthians 4:17) helps keep it all in perspective.

Third, we work wherever possible to expand our world and the world of our children. We try new things, new places, and introduce new people, new foods, new ideas. We cannot do it all at once. It takes planning, patience, and perseverance, but we can proactively seek change. I believe it is important to strive for growth in at least one area at all times. Otherwise the sphere of experience will not expand, but it will naturally contract.

I would love to hear how your family overcomes the barriers that might otherwise hem you in. Leave a comment by clicking the link below.

Learning About God's Love

A few weeks ago our Pastor challenged us to dig deeper into our love relationship with God. Each day he e-mailed us something to meditate on along with scriptures and songs that were related to that day's focus. Little did I know that God had a hands-on lesson in mind for me. Tuesday's assignment was to seek an understanding of the depth of God's love for me.

Tuesday mornings can be chaotic at our house. My husband very thoughtfully takes our daughter to her special preschool program on his way to work. This saves me a trip to school, but costs me a few gray hairs probably. I am the ringmaster of a three ring circus on these mornings. In ring one we have a five-year-old who needs a strict routine of snuggle time, getting dressed time, breakfast time and get ready to go time, all of which needs some level of practical or emotional support. In ring two we have a husband who may be interrupted in his routine by urgent phone calls, e-mails, etc. In ring three we have two babies who wake up somewhere in the middle of all of this, sometimes with an urgent diaper, always needing supervision. Meanwhile besides keeping everyone on track I am in charge of preparing breakfast for everyone and packing lunches for two people. This is the baseline. I don't remember particulars of that Tuesday morning, but I do recall sending my husband and daughter out the door with less than a pleasant look on my face. I felt like my ringmaster role was not being respected. What good is it to announce the next act if the performers won't perform?

I stomped my way into our home office and checked e-mail to cool down a little before facing the twins over oatmeal and sippy cups. There in my inbox was the still small voice of God in the form of a suggested prayer to Him:

Dear Jesus, thank you for loving me, while I was still so unlovely. Thank you for demonstrating your love to me by giving everything for me. Please impress on me today, the depth of your love, cause me to understand and cause me to walk in your love. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Not only did God love me at that exact moment when I was anything but lovely (jammie clad, uncombed, red-faced and grumpy) but He could provide the love I needed to give to my own family.

Our children can teach us a lot about the love of God: how to receive it, how to bestow it, how deep it runs, and how much we need it.