Dealing with Anxiety (Yours)

I have struggled off and on with anxiety for most of my adult life. I worried a lot as a kid, too, but my supportive and loving Christian parents helped keep it in check. When I left home to attend college the things and people I had relied on to stay strong were removed and I felt quite alone in facing my fears. There were days that I would come home from class and lay on my bed completely paralyzed by fear. I couldn't even put my finger on what exactly I was afraid of most of the time. It was hard, but I learned a lot about myself and my faith in the process. I still probably worry more than I should. When my kids get sick I tend to think it might be the worst scenario (like vicarious hypochondria?) but over the years I've learned a lot of tools that help me keep an even keel.

Keep good company - When my anxiety first flared it was so overwhelming that I didn't want to be around people, but I soon learned that being around good friends helped me feel stronger. It was really important to be around the right people, though. Some people caused more anxiety than they cured. Others meant well, but their words sometimes left me feeling guilty for feeling the way I did, or even that things might get worse rather than better. There were a few good souls who might say very little, but just by being with me would help me calm down.

Fill your mind with scripture - There are a lot of great verses that help us turn our worries over to the Lord. Meditate on these. Memorize them. When your chest gets tight repeat them until you feel God's peace wash over you. I've listed a few verses below, but a good Study Bible (or a judicious Google search) will turn up many more that you may find helpful.

• Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)
• Psalm 37:3-6 (NIV) Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
• Proverbs 18:10 (NIV) The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

Pour out your heart in prayer - I always found journaling and writing out my prayers to be the most useful way to get my thoughts, fears, and worries in order. Simply naming the monster was really helpful. My kids reminded me of this the other day when they asked me before bedtime what color monsters are. I asked them what color they thought they were, and they said brown, and were promptly ready for bed. There's no way to be sure, but I think if I had not answered their question, or if I had dismissed their worry, or even planted my own monster's color in their head the conversation could have led to a protracted discussion, and maybe even nightmares. By letting them name the color I gave them control over the monster. When you can name your monsters at the throne of God, He will give you the strength you need to face them head on.

Find a healthy outlet - In college I started making digital art on one of my friend's computers. Pre-twins I was exercising three times a week. Now, I write. Find something that helps you feel productive, energized, and hopeful. It is hard for worry and hope to exist in the same mind. Do some art, take a walk, bake, find a service project, knit. Whatever you do, make sure it helps you feel better.

Get help - There are times when anxiety goes from being an emotional problem to being a medical problem. Right after my husband and I were married my anxiety was so deep that I couldn't function well. Doing the laundry was overwhelming, and I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. I knew I couldn't go on like this, so first I made an appointment with my doctor. He ordered a bunch of tests to rule out physical causes, and eventually prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I took them to give myself the mental space I needed to figure out what was triggering the anxiety so that I could overcome it. My next step was to find a Biblical counselor - she helped me get to the spiritual roots of what was causing my anxiety (in my case there were lots of people that I was harboring resentment toward, 20 years worth of bitterness, ouch). The habits I learned in my counseling helped me improve my thought life and gradually I was able to wean myself off of the medication. I know for other people anxiety is an on-going medical challenge and medication is necessary for them to function every day. I believe God gave us medicine, and that we should use it wisely to help us do what we need to do. Don't put off getting professional help if you're in over your head. The sooner you start the sooner you can begin to truly enjoy life again.

Sunday Digest 36

It's time for another Sunday Digest - actually it's overdue! Somewhere between technical difficulties, toilet learning (one down, one to go) and other parenting duties you will find the time I was supposed to be getting this done...sigh. Meanwhile, I have found some interesting posts to refer you to, and here they are:

1) 5 Minutes for Special Needs, where I'm thrilled to post weekly, has a new feature, called "Ask the Parents"...you can go here to read about it and see how it works. The idea is to gather questions from our audience that we can respond to directly as well as reply to in posts. If you have a burning question for other special needs parents, ask away!

2) As always, my blogging friend over at Autism & Oughtisms is stirring the pot with a detailed look into intellect and intelligence, and all the labels that we throw about so casually...

3) I did a guest post over at Books 4 Christian Kids a little over a week ago. The book has little to do with Special Needs, per se, except perhaps that our kids may be more prone to anxiety issues. Ready for Anything, the book I reviewed, could be a gentle entry point for talking about worry with your child.

4) I couldn't have said this better myself. Tammy over at Praying for Parker says it like she means it. Education choices abound in the Special Needs world, and sometimes it seems like everyone has an agenda. No one could doubt Tammy's Special Needs Advocate pedigree, but she chooses to homeschool Parker because it is best for him. Not only can she meet his specific (tactile) learning style, she can protect him from the myriad germs that would make him sick if not threaten his life. I can say, as a parent of a child who is mainstreamed in a general education classroom that I totally respect her choice...I couldn't pull it off with my own child, but I applaud her ability and would never question her decision on some argument that her choice negates or makes mine any harder to achieve. Parents should choose the best education they can find for their own child, and that's the ideal we should be working together to achieve.

5) And speaking of such, doesn't this sound like a lovely neighborhood? Thanks for sharing it with all of us, Kristina White via Hopeful Parents.

Until next time, click away and if you leave a comment make sure you tell them you found them over at The Simple Life.

Speech and Language Delays

Language delays are defined as any communication skill development that lags behind children of the same age by more than a year. This is the most common developmental disorder in children, affecting up to 10% of children. It is more common in boys than in girls.There are several possible underlying causes of language delays including:

• hearing impairment
• dyslexia
• cognitive delays
• maturation delay
• cerebral palsy
• autism
• congenital blindness
• Klinefelter syndrome
• receptive aphasia
• expressive aphasia
• apraxia (loss of coordinated movement without motor or sensory impairment)

In some cases environmental situations that limit verbal interactions with adults or peers can also contribute to language delays. Maturation delay refers to "late talkers" who often catch up with their peers before starting school - this often runs in families.

Although there is wide variation in when children begin to communicate, the rate of language development, and the pattern of speech development, there are some key language development milestones to keep in mind. In my experience being aware of any delays or differences in your child's communication between the ages of 6 months-3 years is critical. At 3 years of age you can request a speech assessment through your local public school district and any issues can then be addressed with Early Intervention services. If there are significant challenges before age 3, you can ask your pediatrician for a referral to a developmental specialist. If your pediatrician assures you that children develop at different rates, but you are still concerned, you can continue to request a referral. Explain your concerns in more detail if necessary. Specific delays to be concerned about include: not babbling by 12 months, not understanding single commands at 1.5 years, not talking by 2 years, not using sentences by 3 years, not telling a story by 4-5 years. The challenges may also include an inability to follow directions, slow or garbled speech after age 3, difficulty putting words in the correct order (syntax), or problems with articulation (phonology).

One key issue to be aware of is the difference between receptive language and expressive language. Receptive language refers to a child's ability to understand and process the words spoken by people around them. Expressive language refers to a child's ability to initiate communication by requesting something or commenting on events around them. In normal development expressive language lags behind receptive language, thus your child should be able to understand and comply with simple one step commands (e.g. get your shoe) before they can vocalize a sentence of similar length (e.g. that's my shoe). If both domains are apparently delayed and if no hearing impairment is present a full developmental assessment should be requested.

About 60% of language delays resolve on their own. Early intervention can prevent related social, behavioral, and emotional issues. Left untreated language delays may lead to selective mutism, where social anxiety hinders a child's ability to talk with peers, large groups, and unfamiliar adults. There is no known way to prevent language delays.

After a language delay has been diagnosed there may be several professionals involved in various therapies to encourage language development. The team will certainly include a speech and language pathologist (SLP), and may also include an audiologist, a psychologist, an occupational therapist (OT), and/or a social worker. Parents can play a key role in encouraging language development in their child. In addition to initiating assessments and informing the team of professionals of your child's unique abilities, preferences, and challenges, you can help make your home a language rich environment. We were fortunate to learn about the Hanen Program fairly early in the process of understanding our daughter's delays. We attended a Hanen Workshop where we learned to modify our activities and our language to encourage richer language experiences for our daughter, before we even understood that her language delays were the result of an autism spectrum disorder. We also used their It Takes Two to Talk workbook to find games and stories that encouraged conversation.

To learn more about speech and language delays, you can get started here:

• Answers.com language delay - be aware this is written in a very clinical style which may be disturbing to some parents.
• American Academy of Pediatrics - I particularly like the way this page relates language delays to autism. Their list of "warning signs" of autism is more comprehensive than others I've seen, and the discussion of receptive and expressive language delays toward to bottom of the page is particularly enlightening.

Fret Not

My daughter worries about many things that I do not, but there is one area where she is by far less fretful than I am. When it comes to making decisions she has no hesitations. She chooses, she is happy, and she moves on. I tend to weigh every option, consider every feature. Choose, then compare some more, test my psyche to see if I am just "settling", then make a decision, and usually walk away still wondering if I've chosen well. This shows up especially when we are shopping together.

"Which one would you like, sweetie?"
"Oh, this one, Mom!"
"Did you see this over here?"
"Oh, but I want this one, Mom..."

versus:
"Mom, can we go now?"
"I'm looking to see if there's anything I like better."
"But you already put that one in the cart."
"I know, I'm just looking..."

I've never thought of myself as much of a "shopper". I like to go in with a list, get the best thing I can find and get out, but compared to her I am shop-crazy. It's the "get the best thing I can" part that I'm hung up on. What if I miss out on a better deal or some new-and-improved product because I just grab the first suitable thing I see.

I'm not saying it would always be wise to follow my daughter's method. Some decisions must be carefully weighed. There are choices that require careful consideration and thoughtful reflection. There are other choices, however, that should be quite straightforward that I fret over instead. I suppose one characteristic of wisdom is being able to discern whether the decision you are facing is so critical or not. Really how many critical decisions do most of us make during a day...my guess is not many.

Using Someone with Skin On

After two weeks off I'm trying to jump back in with both feet by linking up with the blog carnival over at (in)courage. I may have missed the cutoff since I generally write so late in the day. I'd still "(in)courage" you to check them out. It is a sweet site. More on them later, probably.

Our assignment for the blog carnival is to write about someone who encourages us, specifically someone in Christian ministry. My usual post for the day is a Bible theme related to Special Needs, so let's see if I can make this all come together.

I would like to honor our most recent Pastor at the church we attend. He would die a thousand deaths if he knew I was typing this right now, so I will not mention his name, but many of you know who I'm talking about. I may not have shared as openly before how much he has encouraged me, though. Many of you are already fans, and I hope my own story will make yours that much sweeter.

This Pastor is the one who performed our wedding ceremony, instructing my husband to treat me as fine china in spite of my strong personality and personal achievements. He is the one who encouraged me to pursue every avenue of treatment when my anxiety disorder threatened our first year of marriage, medication and Biblical counseling included. He dedicated our oldest daughter to the Lord in those early days when we thought she was just a feisty and independent little so-and-so. He helped us with remodeling projects. He came over the day that my husband lost his job and brought muffins. He visited me in the hospital when I was on bed rest for six weeks while expecting our twins. He and his wife came over shortly after the twins were born and loved on them while I got dinner ready. When we first started to understand our daughter's challenges more they were there with wisdom, advice, more babysitting, and coming to IEPs. They helped us understand "the system" and what was happening with our daughter. Several months later when I was at my wit's end he sat with me on Christmas Eve, of all days, and gave me several scriptures and lots of advice, and most of all prayer. He joined me in praying that God would provide "a way out" of the anger, frustration, and outright fatigue that I was experiencing. Just a couple of weeks later God did provide the beginning of the way out. In short, at every major turning point for almost ten years now my Pastor has been Jesus with skin on to me.

You may be wondering how a Pastor would know much about IEPs and the school system. He is also the father of a young man who has Fragile X Syndrome and autism. He has allowed God to use his son's challenges to teach him, and our whole church family, so much. He has poured himself out for our church and for his family. A couple of weeks ago he gave his last sermon at our church. The demands of caring for his son have been overwhelming for years now, and he felt God leading him to move out of active ministry and care for himself and his family. I would ask you all to pray for them as they face many changes now and in the near future. Pray God's provision, and that the Church will show up for them as they have so often for others.

One of my favorite scriptures that my Pastor and his wife have both shared with me to encourage me is

Isaiah 40:11 - He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. (NIV)

God cares for our little ones so much. They are close to His heart. And He is gently leading us, too. Sometimes He uses someone with skin on to lead us...thanks be to God!