Self-Control, the child's perspective - Fruit of the Spirit Part 9 cont.

• Imagine if you will, living in a world where your eyes are constantly assaulted by light that seems to scorch your retinas, or where everything is dim and hazy making it hard to navigate around objects or focus on small objects.
• Consider loud, unexpected noises that send your heart racing and make your flight instinct take over every rational thought. Conversely what if all sounds were muffled, staticky, warped so that words jumble together into nonsense.
• What if around every corner there is a smell that turns your stomach?
• What if every bite of food tasted the same and you didn't like the taste? How about if your food is always too hot, or the flavors were so overwhelming that you couldn't swallow.
• How about every piece of clothing feels like sandpaper or a sunburn, and no one understands that if they sit so close to you it makes your skin crawl.
• Can you picture being dizzy just from walking across the room? What if reaching up to scratch your ear you found your finger in your eye instead?

Under those circumstances (or even just a couple of them) how long would you keep your cool? Would you be able to maintain eye contact and appropriate verbal communication with people around you? Would you be able to sit still for long periods of time listening to sounds that aren't comfortable much less making sense to you? Would you be able to refrain from pushing away the person who rubbed against you as they sat down next to you? Would you want to pick up a pencil, sit quietly and write letters just because someone asked you to?

I am attempting to describe (from my own limited understanding) what individuals with sensory processing disorder may experience. It may take a different form than what I've sketched out above, but sensory processing disorder involves a miscommunication between the sensing organs (eyes, ears, nose, mouth, skin) and the brain. Although the ears may function normally, somewhere between the eardrum and the brain the signals get scrambled, misinterpreted, and therefore responded to in unexpected ways. Besides the five senses you commonly think of (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch) there are two "gravitational" senses related to the position of one's body in three-dimensional space (vestibular), and the relative positions of various body parts to one another (proprioception). Some people "hyper"-sense in one or more areas -- meaning that they hear things louder or that smells are stronger than they would be for a typical person. Others are "hypo"-sensitive, so it takes more swinging, spinning, or jumping to give them a sensation of exhilaration. This is one of the first "disorders" that we were told was affecting our daughter, but I still don't have a good grasp of exactly what her world is like.

What I do know is that her self-control on an absolute scale must be orders of magnitude beyond mine. Just a little too much noise or commotion and I will more than likely lose my temper. We know that everyday sounds and conversations are challenging for our daughter, but most days all day long she copes with this maelstrom of sound without collapsing into fits. Just a few minutes of vertigo when I'm fighting off a virus makes me want to crawl back in bed and stay there. Our daughter has odd sensations of gravity often but doesn't let it stop her from wanting to ride a bike, master a scooter, or take up roller skating.

When I remember how much she has to overcome and conquer all day, every day, I am both astounded at her willpower, and humbled by my own lack of discipline.

Self Control - Fruit of the Spirit Part 9

I do so like to finish what I started. I had hoped to finish the Fruit of the Spirit series in 2009, but circumstances beyond my control came into play. Speaking of control, that is the last fruit we have to look at: self-control. When it comes right down to it, self-control is just about the only control we have.

I spend large chunks of time trying to maintain order, structure, cleanliness and routine in our home. I wear myself out with the organizing. I have a spread sheet that I update each week with my daily projects, to-dos, appointments, and menus. I have more spread sheets with pre-organized shopping lists and packing lists for trips. I don't think there's anything wrong with this level of planning, and it can come in quite handy. For me it means I've "pre-thought" my day and I just need to review my list rather than decide on the fly what's going to get done that day. The problem comes in the illusion that all of this planning will actually bear itself out in reality. Most days I don't get to everything on my list. I still have to choose the most important tasks or procrastinate accordingly. Sometimes I forget to check the list, so I have to rearrange things and punt. Other times, like two weeks ago, something totally unexpected and urgent happens and everything else is put on hold indefinitely until the crisis has passed. As long as I remember that my plan doesn't mean I'm in charge it is all okay.

However, there are days when I have a very hard time letting go of my plan. I am like the farmer in Jesus' parable who lays awake at night scheming up the bigger barn that he's going to build when God says, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?" (Luke 12:13-21) Well...maybe not quite like that yet...thanks be to God He has not required my soul...but it is the same idea. I plan and scheme and expect everything and everyone to fall into line with my idea of how the day should go, and when it or they do not I lose sight of the one factor I can control: myself. I yell, I stomp, I shake my finger threateningly, and all of the bluster gains me nothing but a higher blood pressure.

Plan, yes, because that is wise, but when things do not go according to plan, remember that planning is not equivalent to controlling. I, yet not I but the Spirit within me, can only control how I respond to the things that are out of my control. I must, in fact, continually yield to His control in order to be self-controlled. This brings to mind Ephesians 5:15-18 (NIV):

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the
most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be
foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which
leads to debauchery. Instead be filled with the Spirit."

Let's break it down into bullet points:

• Be careful how you live, making the most of every opportunity - PLAN
• But understand what the Lord's will is - Remember you're not in charge
• Don't be drunk on wine - Don't lose your self-control
• Instead be filled with the Spirit - Rely on God to provide self-control

Again I must yield to Him. Every day, every moment asking Him to provide the character that I need to meet life's off-plan moments.

Gentleness through the Spirit

I doubt that many people think of the word gentle when they try to describe God. Awesome, powerful, sovereign, loving - sure, those would be on the list, but gentle? This is the same God that opened the earth to swallow up some of the Israelites who were rebelling and questioning Moses' leadership (Numbers 16)...the same one who struck Ananias and Sapphira dead because they lied about how much they sold their property for (Acts 5). There was a time when our society lived in fear of God's wrath. In more recent years people focus on the other extreme; wanting God to be a push over who makes suggestions but doesn't expect us to take them to heart. Some might call that gentle, but this is a misunderstanding of that word.

Gentleness is defined as "being moderate in force or degree so that the effects are not severe." (Encarta Dictionary) It was recently explained to me as the correct center of the anger spectrum from never being angry on one end, to being angry all the time on the other end. In other words, it is knowing when it is appropriate to be angry and handling one's anger appropriately. It is probably the fruit I need most to ask the Holy Spirit to provide in my life.

Some examples of God being gentle from scripture are:

• I Kings 19 - After being present for God totally defeating the prophets of Baal (I Kings 18) Elijah gets a nasty note from Jezebel and decides he better run for it. Early on he wants to give up and God sends an angel to him with food and drink (twice!). He runs some more, then decides to hide in a cave. God asks him what he's doing there and Elijah explains how bad things have gotten to God. God invites Elijah to step out of the cave and watch him pass by. Big wind comes, then an earthquake, then a fire. After the fire came a gentle voice. God again asks Elijah what he's doing there and Elijah complains some more. Then God tells him to go back and get ready to retire, passing on his ministry to Elisha. When Elijah was ready to throw in the towel in spite of having witnessed one of the most dramatic miracles and victories of all time, God could have blasted him with the wind, or the earthquake or the fire. Instead He uses a gentle voice to tell Elijah his next steps, though at least one of those would be somewhat painful - laying aside his prophet mantle. God says the hard words, but He does so in a way that is easy to accept.
• Matthew 11:29,30 (NIV) - "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." This is a promise to the weary and burdened. Jesus offers us His yoke. Please note that there is a yoke, but it is an easy yoke, and it is controlled by our gentle Lord.

I can both know and emulate this gentleness in my own life. Amen.

Childlike Gentleness - Fruit of the Spirit Part 8

It seems like I've been teaching the concept of gentleness to my daughter since she first found her fingers. I read somewhere in those early days to not say "No" too often because young children eventually tune it out. I came up with a couple of alternatives. When the little lady was about to leap before looking I would say, "Careful!" as a cue to her to rethink what she was about to do. When she was being too rough with a toy, a book, my hair, whatever, I would say, "Gentle!" and try to model for her how to properly treat that object. Sometimes it worked. I still use this one word reminder for her when she is hugging her brother a little too tight or patting Grandma's dog excitedly, and therefore a little too hard.

There are so many things that we need to be gentle with. It seems that we mostly focus on the physical and external, the material and the personal. We strive to teach our children early that hitting is wrong, that we need to use gentle hands. We need to remember that there are tender hearts and feelings as well. We have noticed with our son that he is much more sensitive to scolding than the girls are. Often if I say no to him even in a conversational tone his little feelings are crushed. Although I still must train and discipline him I will need to remember his soft heart in this area.

I recently heard a speaker say that gentleness is the quality of knowing when to be angry and handling your anger appropriately. If there are two unhealthy extremes: being angry all the time and never being angry, gentleness is the pivot point of perfect balance. It stuck in my brain because I've been asking God to work on my anger for the last year or so. Amazingly He has, although there's definitely still stuff to work on. What is real and true is that my daughter and her needs are the tools that He is using to make this area of my character what He wants it to be.

So who is teaching whom about gentleness, anyway?

God's Faithfulness - Fruit of the Spirit Part 7 cont.

We must remember that the fruit of the Spirit is not something we conjure up on our own. It is not by a gut-wrenching, adrenaline forcing, caffeine-fueling drive to meet up to God's standard on our own steam. Time and time again I must remind myself that I will never meet that standard on my own. I must allow Him to supply the power and character to demonstrate His spirit moving in my life. I begin with this thought because as I mused on the idea of faithfulness and what God teaches us about it in His word, I realized that it is His own character, demonstrated in the stories and teachings of the Bible, as well as in our own lives that shows us most what exactly the fruit that He wants to make evident in our own hearts should look like.

You could pick any story from the Bible, and find at the root that it teaches God is faithful. He is always true to His plan to bring us into fellowship with Him. First by creating us, then by withholding judgement until He could make a way to redeem, sanctify, and ultimately glorify us. Every moment of history points to His unending desire to know us and to have us know Him.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV) says, "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." This verse inspired the great hymn, "Great is thy Faithfulness" which I always find to be so encouraging.

Great is thy Faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with thee.
Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not
As thou has been, thou forever wilt be.

Summer and Winter and Springtime and Harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars, in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness,
To thy great faithfulness mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand besides.

Great is thy faithfulness!
Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness
Lord, unto me!

And what better time of year to consider just how faithful God has been to us. Considering how faithless we sometimes are, and yet he continues to pour out on us His great love, His ever new compassions, His own hand providing what we truly need. I hope each of us will be able to reflect on His faithfulness and at the same time understand that He wants to impart that character onto us, His children.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Childlike Faithfulness - Fruit of the Spirit Part 7

We are nearing the end of our journey through the Fruit of the Spirit. It's been an amazing exercise to consider how God is using our children to teach us the character qualities that He wants to supply in our lives. Faithfulness as used by Paul in Galatians 5:22 is the Greek word pistis, which means conviction of truth, reliance upon Christ for salvation, and constancy in such profession. Faithfulness is a challenging proposition these days. At the risk of being considered dogmatic, we hold to the central root of our faith that one comes to salvation through Christ alone.

My daughter has not yet accepted this truth as her own. This is one of the primary reasons that I started this blog. I have big questions about how to impart faith to her in view of her learning differences. She is immersed in a community of faith. We attend church each week. We are working on making Sunday School a place that will meaningfully communicate God's truth to her. At home we pray before meals and before bed. I have recently asked her to pray for specific friends or problems, and I try to point out miraculous things we encounter along the way (like the day we found important confidential papers that had fallen out of our stroller about six hours earlier). I hope for the day that she will ask more questions about who God is, why Jesus came, and what it can mean for her. Since she just recently started asking even concrete questions I sometimes wonder if I should just be initiating the conversation more, but if she isn't asking is she really ready? The debate just rages in my mind until I entrust even this significant piece of her future to the only One who already knows.

Still this child can teach me some important things about faithfulness. Regarding the conviction of the truth I can learn a lot. My daughter is among every other quality very truthful. I don't think the idea of falsehood has even entered the edges of her understanding yet. Even when it would serve her own interests (of which she is keenly aware) she tells the truth. When I hear one of her siblings crying and I suspect she has had something to do with that I can ask her, "Did you hit him?" and she will say "Yes, I hit him." and off to the time-out area we go. She is also pretty firmly fixed in what she thinks is right. There is very little gray in her universe. Items are liked or not liked, rules (though challenging to obey) are powerful, and friends are forever. While this steadfastness can lead to problems - e.g. in a sea of children insisting on playing with only one because "she's my friend' - it can also be inspirational to watch. Do I speak truth with so little self-consciousness? Do I hold fast to what I believe is right? With God's graceful provision I can!

Good, good, good...The Fruit of the Spirit Part 6, cont.

To review: Our children taught us a couple of weeks ago that goodness can be not so much in the behavior of the object as in the value placed by the observer. For reference consider Genesis 1:31 (NIV) "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good..." God's initial estimation of His creation was that it was very good. I don't know about the rest of you, but as a mom sometimes I struggle with my self-image in terms of whether or not I am good enough, mostly because in my heart of hearts I don't want to be "just" good enough...I want to exceed expectations: my own (which are high), other people's (often unknown), and to be honest maybe even God's.



The futility of that last point is obvious. Throughout the Bible we are told that God has an accurate view of who we are. Just two examples that come quickly to mind:

• Psalm 103:14 (NIV) - "...for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."


• Isaiah 64:6 (NIV) - "...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..."

I cannot win God's favor by any act of my own. Even my good stuff is like a well-used dust mop in His view, and because of my human frailty I will not always be able to do the good stuff. However, He still views me a a precious daughter not because of what I have done, but because He has made me good through the work of Jesus on the cross, and through the continuing work of His Holy Spirit in my life.



In John 16 Jesus tells His disciples that it is for their good that He is going away so that the Counselor (the Holy Spirit) will come (verse 7). He goes on to explain that the Holy Spirit will teach us the standards of sin and righteousness, by telling us what God wants us to hear.



I am convinced that I cannot meet any measure of goodness on my own. I must learn to rely more on God's Spirit to show me the way to go, and rest in His assurance that He sees me as very good.

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This post is part of the Moms' 30-minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom. It is also the latest installment in a series on the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23, see left) learned from our children and from the Bible. You can see previous posts in the series by going to my "blog schedule" page and looking through the Tuesday and Thursday posts.

Goodness Gracious Child - Fruit of the Spirit Part 6

First I want to apologize for not being able to post this as scheduled yesterday. For some reason I could not log in to Blogger. Actually I couldn't even get to the log in page of Blogger. So to clarify, although the date of this post says Friday, it really is a Thursday Learning from our Children post...and continues in our series on the Fruit of the Spirit. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Once again I find myself in the midst of a mystery. How can a child with behavior problems be teaching me about goodness? This requires a little research. Let's go back to the Greek and see what Paul is really talking about here. The Greek word is agathosune (ag-ath-o-soo-nay) and guess what it means: goodness, virtue, beneficence. It comes from the word agathos (ag-ath-os) which means good, benefit, or well. All right then, what exactly do we mean by the word good. In this world of moral relativism, what does good mean, anyway? For such a small word, it seems it is hard to wrap it in a nice neat package. According to the En Carta World English Dictionary (1999) there are 33 uses or definitions! Here are three that jumped out at me when viewed through the prism of a child with special needs:

When used as an adjective:

• indicating that something is approved of or desirable
• having the appropriate qualities to be something or to fit a particular purpose
• worthy of honor or high esteem

This is a paradigm shift. Did you catch it? If not, re-read the bullets then continue...
Goodness is not a characteristic generated by the individual. Rather it is a gift bestowed by the observer. To be specific: in the end it does not matter how many tantrums my little girl had today, the key is how I view her. Do I approve of her, find her desirable, remember that she was created for a purpose, and consider her worthy of esteem? These are my choices, not hers. I can choose to call her good when I remember how God looks upon me. Every person bears His image. Each of us is marred in some way by sin - our own and others' - but when He looks at us He sees Jesus. God knew that we could never be "good for" our debt of sin...we could never pay the penalty of not meeting His standard of "good - having or showing an upright and virtuous character" all the time. So He sent Jesus to cover our debt, and when we accept His payment He no longer sees the debts, just that Jesus paid it all. I can choose this same attitude toward my daughter. I can choose to see her goodness as a fellow image bearer of God. This really could change everything.

God's Kindness - Fruit of the Spirit Part 5 cont.

God's kindness leads you toward repentance...Romans 2:4b (NIV)

This fifth fruit of the Spirit is a hard balancing act, if you ask me. On the one hand we want to be loving and generous toward everyone around us, and on the other hand we don't want to be foolish or careless in bestowing resources where they will be misused or abused (casting pearls before swine). The verse above, to me, is an amazing picture of this. God's kindness is bestowed on us at a time when we need to repent, but in the process of receiving God's kindness we want to change. Let's look at the context:

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" Romans 2:1-4
(NIV)

There seem to be three key thoughts here. First, when we judge others we condemn ourselves. Have you ever noticed that the things that annoy you in other people can often be traced back to something you do yourself? There are several things that I get frustrated with in my daughter only upon reflection to realize that I do the same thing, simply in a more grown up manner. She procrastinates undesirable tasks until they are unavoidable sometimes forcing a confrontation. Anyone else around here doing countdowns at their house? It wears me out. Yet here I sit at a desk filled with papers that probably should have been acted on, filed, or discarded weeks ago. Who, indeed, am I to judge?

Second, God knows who we are. He is the final, honest, all-knowing judge and if we see something we don't like in someone else, we'd best ask Him to examine our own heart as well. Even if that particular sin, vice, attitude, habit, or character flaw isn't present, there is undoubtedly something else lurking there. I have a theory that the longer one walks in paths of faith the more subtle the lurkers are. Things that a new Christian would not even notice can be the biggest issue that an older saint is working on with the Lord. In His eyes, all things that are not holy and from Him are sin and keep us from Him. He is not pleased and He cannot tolerate the presence of such things in the hearts of His beloved and so...

He is kind to us. At another time in my life I might have finished that thought differently, but there it is. He wants us to change, to become ever more like Him, and so He demonstrates kindness. While we were still sinners, He died for us. (Romans 5:8). He guides us into all truth. (John 16:13). He patiently waits for us to come to repentance. (II Peter 3:9)

Since God's spirit can provide this fruit of kindness in me if I rely on Him, the effect I should see on others is that they, too, will be drawn to repentance as I live out the kindness I have received toward others.

Childlike Kindness - Fruit of the Spirit Part Five

It might be surprising to read that you can learn a lot about kindness by spending time with a child with social skill delays and behavioral issues. In some ways it is perhaps like looking at the negative of a photograph (back in the day when photographs had negatives). Before having a child with special needs I had never spent a lot of time thinking about how to be kind to people. As a child there were only a couple of instances I can remember (not counting rivalries with my older brother) when I was deliberately unkind to another child; and most of those were self-defense related events. I'm not claiming that I have a lot of skill in this arena - I've always been a bit of a loner, but when I do interact with people I am generally accommodating and thoughtful. Learning to specifically teach social skills to a child, however, has highlighted so many fine points of human interaction that I hadn't really thought about before.

For example, my daughter is engrossed by the idea of birthdays. I may have mentioned that this is one of her favorite pretend play scripts. I've had several "birthdays" this year, and we must always have special pretend food, the birthday song, and lately also birthday crowns. Although she clearly enjoys birthdays, there are some finer social points that we've had to explain in great detail. I've listed some of these below.

• When it is her turn - When she was younger we wrote a social story about birthdays explaining that she only gets one each year, but that it is still fun to help friends celebrate.
• Choosing the gift - that it should be something the birthday person will like, and that she will not get a gift every time we give one to someone else.
• Not being the center of attention - letting the birthday person choose how to celebrate, open gifts, blow out candles, be sung to, etc.
• Social niceties during the party - saying please/thank you, sharing, taking turns, saying goodbye to the host(ess).

Although these all seem obvious to a normative brain, spelling them out and explaining them to a child that struggles to make sense of it all reinforces the importance to me. Kindness is taking joy in celebrating with others, considering what others need or want, focusing on others, and being polite to a fault.

The other piece of kindness that having a special needs child highlights is how unique we all are, and how each of us deserves some level of individualized care. The best example of this that I can share here is the contrast in interactions between my daughter and two of her friends. My daughter and one of her friends were riding their bikes around on our patio and he was having some trouble navigating some of the turns and obstacles. Because she was following him she would have to stop while he worked his way around the tree branch or the bump in the sidewalk, and when she tried to start again she would "grunt" a little at the effort of moving the pedals on her bike from a dead stop. He interpreted this "grunting" as yelling at him and became quite upset. She, of course, did not undertand why he was upset and continued to grunt and yell until we had to end the play time. The other boy can give as good as he gets in this regard - I have watched my daughter and this boy argue back and forth about whether or not bugs can talk, and if she gets loud he does, too. Unfazed. My point is that the subtlety of needing to treat one friend with more sensitivity than the other goes so far beyond my daughter's skill, and yet it has been a lesson to me. Am I sensitive to what other's need, or do I proceed with a cookie-cutter approach to friendship. One friend needs phone calls, the other hates phone calls but loves facebook. Am I flexible enough to work at meeting those needs rather than expecting them to bend to mine?

Kindness is other-focused, other-driven, and not mass-produced. I close again with a children's song that I learned when my daughter was just a baby. As I watch her garden grow I tend my own a little more closely.

Kind hearts are the gardens.

Kind thoughts are the roots.

Kind words are are the flowers.

Kind deeds are the fruits.

Take care of your garden,

And keep out the weeds.

Fill it up with sunshine,

Kind words, and kind deeds.

In the Hands of a Patient God - Fruit of the Spirit Part 4 cont.

Although I am learning to be more patient, I have so far to go. When there is too much work to do and three little people are all calling for my attention at the same time it can be unbelievably hard to remember to count to ten, take deep breaths and move calmly through the situation. While I wish to give myself the grace to learn, I also wish to be a quick study, so even in my quest for patience I am impatient! I must turn to my ultimate role model and the One who will supply the patience if I will remember to turn to Him.

In what ways does God demonstrate His patience to us? Two verses come to mind.

First, one of my favorite verses: "The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy." Psalm 103:8 Although the word "patience" is not directly used here, the combination of grace, compassion, a slow anger fuse, and mercy adds up to patience. The perspectives that can keep me from losing my patience as a worn out mother include:

• realizing that my children need a break even if they don't deserve it (grace)
• seeing my children through eyes of love (compassion)
• dousing that anger fuse (mine is way too short)
• and with-holding consequences that don't fall into line with the first three bullets (mercy)

I wear a bracelet that quotes this verse because each morning that I put it on I remember this amazing combination of characteristics of God, and it makes me want to be more like Him. It is an act of binding His word on my hand that seems to carry me through the day with more assurance of His presence. Interestingly, there are several similar verses in the Old Testament. (See Exodus 34:6, Numbers 14:18, Nehemiah 9:17, Psalm 86:15, and Jonah 4:2.) So even in explaining His patience toward us, God is patient.

The other verse that came to mind is II Peter 3:9 (NIV), "The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." The verse is written in the context of refuting scoffers who in that day (approximately 65-68 A.D.) were saying that Christ's second coming was a myth; that He would not return to take His own and establish His reign. So just about 30 years after Jesus' death and resurrection the skeptics were already planting seeds of doubt. Now, 2000 years later how much more do we rely on His faithfulness? As Peter reminds us we must also rejoice in His patience. To continue to uphold the heavens and earth in His hand as He waits patiently for all who will come to come. What a picture of patience! Notice, however, that Peter makes this personal, "He is patient with you." What is He waiting for? Perhaps He is patiently waiting for me to be to be more patient.

"Amen. Come, Lord Jesus." Revelation 22:20 (NIV)

Learning Patience from a Child - Fruit of the Spirit Part Four

There is an old joke that says you should never pray for patience because all you'll get is trouble. It is true that it's a scary request, "God give me patience..." Doesn't that mean you're asking Him to help you wait even longer?

I am not a patient person. Nine times out of ten I just want to get "it" done, whatever "it" may be: lunches made, bath time over, laundry put away, attitude adjusted, request met. Did God know this character quality in me needed work when He gave me a child who needs to hear multiple times that Daddy isn't home yet when she can see for herself that he isn't? Or perhaps, be told five times to put her seat belt on while I load up her siblings, the stroller, her school supplies, etc. I am learning to say it calmly still on the fifth time, or to be more proactive in supporting her through these events (and countless others) before I lose it. I am still human, however, and am prone to fail in this area, particularly when all of the children seem to gang up on me and stop listening. The babies do this because they are still little. Twenty months means just a little more impulse control than eighteen months. The child does this because she is still learning to check her impulse control and stay in a regulated state where it seems like a good idea to listen. How do I check my impulses when they aren't checking theirs? Someone has to be the grown up, and it would appear to be me.

I can grow in this area through my relationship with my child. First, as I mentioned above, God is using my daughter to stretch my patience quota. A year ago I would not have tolerated all the repetition, the disregulation, and the monotony of minutiae that she needs to know. Now I am seeing all of those things from a new perspective that helps me stay calm much more of the time. Secondly, I can learn by watching my daughter. Although she can be quite flighty and distractible, nothing can deter her from achieving a goal that she has set her mind on. For example, it is normally quite challenging for her to "stay in the lines" on a coloring page, but a few weeks ago she did just that because she wanted to do a good job making a thank you picture for a friend of ours. She spent the better part of an hour painstakingly maintaining her fine motor skills to finish that picture. When I know it will be hard for me to do something I sometimes give up before I even start, but she patiently applied herself to the task she had set for herself and I was humbled by her perseverance. Lastly, I can learn patience by trying to see things from her perspective. I imagine there are times when she gets just as frustrated with me, and while she often lets me know it, there are other times when she just repeats what she has already said hoping that it will eventually sink into my thick skull. I can sometimes see the gears of her mind turning, "Why doesn't Mom get this? I've explained it so many times..." and then she says it again.

I close with a children's song that I learned when I was a child...if only I could learn to apply it as easily as I learned to sing it!

Have patience.
Have patience.
Don't be in such a hurry.
When you get,

impatient,
you only start to worry.

Remember.

Remember,

that God is patient, too,

and think of all the times,

when others have to wait for you.

The Peace of God - Fruit of the Spirit Part 3 cont.

The Greek word for "peace" used in Galatians 5:22 where Paul lists the fruit of the Spirit is eirene (i-ray-nay) and means one, peace, quietness, rest, and by implication prosperity. I could end the post there. Sounds like something I could really use!

Two passages came to mind as I started thinking about what "peace that God supplies" looks like. The first is from the Gospels, and in particular Mark 4:35-41. Jesus and his disciples are boating across the Sea of Galilee after a long day of teaching. Jesus is tired and falls asleep in the boat. Suddenly a violent storm threatens to swamp the boat. In between bailing, the disciples wake Jesus up and ask if he cares that they're about to drown. Jesus gets up and "rebukes" the wind and waves. In the NIV he says, "Quiet! Be still!" but as I remembered, in the KJV the Greek word (siopao) is translated "Peace!" The Greek word means "involuntary stillness or inability to speak." In other words, Jesus commands the wind and waves to be mute, and they obey! There are two amazing pictures of peace in this story: Jesus who sleeps in the midst of the storm, resting in His Father's care; and Jesus commanding the elements of nature to be peaceful, reigning over His creation.

The other passage is one of my favorites. I've probably already quoted it in previous posts in part because I live or die (figuratively) by this passage every day.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

I could spend several posts on this verse alone but I'll try to sum it up briefly. First I should point out that this word for peace is the same as that in the Galatians passage. The peace of God is the central idea of the verse. In order to receive His peace we must first by prayer, petition, and with thanksgiving make our requests known to God. If I'm not peaceful, prayer should be the first course of action. We are promised that God's peace is beyond human comprehension and that it will guard both our hearts (center of emotion) and our minds (center of logical thought).

To tie the two passages together, I think it is interesting that our hearts and minds are guarded "in Christ Jesus". The same Jesus who slept soundly in the middle of an overwhelming storm and then bid it "Peace!" is the Jesus who will watch over our hearts and minds as they toss and turn through the storms of life. That is where I want to be!

Learning Peace - Fruit of the Spirit Part 3

I must say I have not learned peace directly from my child. She is rarely peaceful unless she is asleep (yes, we are blessed that she has no sleep disturbance issues) or mesmerized by a television show. Even with the latter she often bounces around the room as she is watching. When she is happy she is very, very happy, and when she is sad, well, you probably don't want to be around. Rarely is she neutral on a subject. Passionate would be an apt description. Peaceful, not so much.

And yet, on the whole I am a much more "at peace" person now than I was before mothering this child for five years. I still see room for growth in this area, but I will follow my mantra of looking for progress rather than recording a milestone even as I assess myself.

I am most definitely a type A personality, bordering on OCD at times. I love routines and expected outcomes. I thrive in order, quiet, and cleanliness. Although my daughter also thrives in these conditions, she is not able to maintain them in her own power and often thwarts my attempts to supply them for her. Six years ago this sort of chaos-producing meddler would be not only unwanted but unacceptable. So how, you may ask, am I coping and even at times thriving in the middle of the mess. I admit that a pixie face, and big brown eyes framed by the longest eyelashes you've ever seen may contribute to my lengthened fuse. The bigger answer, though unbelievable even to me, must be that God has slowly but surely been teaching me a little of His peace.

I have been learning to let the little stuff go. We recently had to give our daughter a drastic haircut to compensate for a trim job that she decided to give herself. The woman who did the haircut actually called me the next morning to make sure I was okay because she was so sad to have to take off so much hair to get a decent looking cut. I was unfazed. I was chagrined the first moment I saw what my daughter had done, but I almost instantly shrugged it off. It is just hair. It will grow back. Everyone says she looks cute with this haircut, and even if she didn't it is just not worth getting upset about.

I have been learning that even the big stuff will eventually be righted if we press on with what we know to be best for our child. Since January I've gone from almost despairing, to quite hopeful, to questioning, and now even more sure that the methods we are using to support and train our daughter to overcome her challenges will eventually succeed. Not that there won't be more challenges, but I have seen the power of calling in resources and working hard together to find solutions. There will be valleys of shadow, and there will also be pinnacles of success, and through it all there will be the hard work of making good choices for our daughter.

I have been learning that God will supply what we need. Be it strength, resources, money, time, energy...we have to rely on Him because our own well will run dry.

Jeremiah 2:13 - "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the
spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that
cannot hold water. (NIV)

He may not give us what we want, and we may have to wait what seems like an impossibly long time, but in His time He will provide what we need.

God is using my child to teach me His peace, because He knows how desperately I need it.

God's Joy - The Fruit of the Spirit Part 2 cont

This Joy, His Joy

Grows and grows

This Joy, His Joy

Overflows

This Joy, His Joy

Sets the captives free

Thank You, Lord

For giving it to me

When I was thinking about writing this post, this simple chorus came to mind. It is one of several songs that my parents used to sing in the car when we were on long road trips, in the days before DVD players in the car. The tune is catchy - I wish I could hum a few bars for you - but most importantly the message is profound. The Joy that God will provide for us if we will simply ask is: growing and alive, abundant, and has the power to set us free.

"Hear the word of the LORD, O nations; proclaim it in distant coastlands: 'He who scattered Israel will gather them and will watch over his flock like a shepherd.' For the LORD will ransom Jacob and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they. They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion; they will rejoice in the bounty of the LORD - the grain, the new wine and the oil, the young of the flocks and herds. They will be like a well-watered garden, and they will sorrow no more. Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. I will satisfy the priests with abundance, and my people will be filled with my bounty," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 31:10-14 (NIV)

This is not a well-known passage of scripture, but it exemplifies these three characteristics of God's Joy.

• Growing and alive - God promises His bounty to His people as a source of joy. Grain, new wine, oil, livestock will liken Israel to a well-watered garden.
• Abundant - God promises that His people will be filled, they will dance, even their mourning will be turned into gladness
• Liberating - the LORD will rescue His people from circumstances beyond their control and stronger than they are

The chorus ends by thanking God for giving me this Joy. Indeed I need this joy and would be grateful to God for giving it to me, so how do I get it?

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"

Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy

than when their grain and new wine abound.

Psalm 4:6-7 (NIV)

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Psalm 94:18-19 (NIV)

These verses teach me two things about receiving Joy. First, it seems to come in the midst of trouble; when everyone around us is asking, "Where's the good" and when our feet are slipping in fear, God's Joy comes in. Second, it comes with intimate, close, consistent relationship with God. When His face shines on us, His love supports us, and He consoles us with His Joy.

Learning Joy - Fruit of the Spirit Part 2

The Encarta Dictionary defines joy as "feelings of great happiness or pleasure, especially of an elevated or spiritual kind." The Greek word for joy in Galatians where Paul lists the fruit of the Spirt is chara (khar-ah'), which means cheerfulness, calm delight, great or exceeding gladness. Chara also comes from the word chairo (khah'ee-ro that means to be cheerful or calmly happy. Chairo can be used as a greeting or parting wish: be well, farewell, be glad, rejoice! I wonder if this is where the expression cheery-o originated. Happy, by the way, is defined as, "feeling or showing pleasure, contentment, or joy."

I give these definitions because I have heard in the past that happiness and joy are two different emotions. Happiness is generally thought of as positive feelings arising from some circumstance - like finding a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. Joy is often considered to be above and beyond circumstance - like realizing that the person twenty feet away on the sidewalk is the person who dropped the bill, but being glad that you were able to return it to them, even if you really could have used an extra twenty bucks. Still our words fail us as the definitions of happiness and joy seem inextricably linked.

If it is hard to define joy, yet you want to learn what joy is you need to hang out with a child for a while. Special needs children don't have a corner on the joy market, but they can demonstrate true joy that rises above their circumstances. We embarked on a camping trip last weekend with a few families with special needs children. One girl in particular was a great example of joy to me. She has cerebral palsy (CP) and depends on a wheelchair, adaptive communication technology, and help from her friends and parents to do just about everything in her day. Because her communication computer doesn't travel well (probably especially in the heat, dust, and smoke of a campsite) we relied on her parents for the most part to communicate with her and understand what she wanted. However, there were two very clear instances when she didn't need help to express her thoughts. One was the suggestion to make s'mores for dessert the first night. Her entire body leapt with excitement and anticipation and Joy at the thought of making and eating a s'more. Her face lit up and her grin spoke volumes. The other was when her dad promised to take her swimming again after lunch. She is able to move her legs through the water and I imagine the freedom from her chair alone must be exhilirating. Again we didn't need any help to interpret the pleasure she would get from swimming with her dad.

When I lose sight of how amazing and beautiful all of life is around me and I begin to complain about some small and temporary inconvenience, I hope the image of this young lady as she anticipated such simple pleasures will come to my mind. We need to remember to find joy. It is there to be found.

The Love of God - Fruit of the Spirit Part 1 cont.

Love is the first fruit promised to us when the Holy Spirit is in control of our lives. Love is a large topic, so I want to just focus on God's love, because that should be the love the Holy Spirit empowers us to give. I am reminded of one of my favorite hymns:

Could we with ink the oceans fill,
And were the sky of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the oceans dry,
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

And yet I attempt to summarize this key quality of God in a blog post. Right. Please remember that in I John 4:8 (NIV)the apostle John teaches us that "God is love." Meaning God defines love and love is an integral part of God. Everything He does is out of love. To try to pat that all into three paragraphs and a poem would be impossible. I will narrow my focus to three key aspects of God's love.

First, God's love is unconditional. If you have a relationship with God it is fun to consider how He pursued you to establish that relationship. The journey for each person is different. For myself, I was raised by parents who are both strong in the Christian faith, but I still had to be put in a place where I would deliberately choose that faith to be my own. The key thing is that for all of us He pursued us in order to love us even when we were running the other way. Romans 5:7-8 (NIV) says, "Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He started chasing us from the cross, even as we were pounding in the nails. Wow.

Second, God's love is resilient. When God's love is bestowed, there is nothing that can remove it. Romans 8:37 (NIV) says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." We tend to think of death as being so final and powerful, unavoidable, and yet we are promised that even death has not the power to separate us from God's love. Wow.

Third, God's love is understanding. In one of many verses with a similar theme, Joel 2:13 (NIV) says "Return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Written to God's chosen people in the Old Testament who have repeatedly turned their backs on God only to beg for deliverance when things get tough, this verse takes on new meaning. God says, "Yes, I know you have stopped obeying me, but I also know that you are frail, weak, and needy. I won't display anger here, instead I'll display grace, compassion, and love." Wow.

The only way I can love unconditionally, through any challenge, and with abundant understanding, it to totally rely on God to be the source of love in me. I must ask for this moment by moment, and trust that He will provide.

Learning Love - Fruit of the Spirit Part 1

I thought we should examine each aspect of the Fruit of the Spirit as listed in Galatians 5:22-23 from two different sources. First, what do our children teach us about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? Second, what does God's word teach about these qualities?

Most parents will attest that they never knew exactly how strong love could be until they became a parent. I remember during the first few weeks after our daughter was born holding her as she was sleeping and weeping at the enormity of wanting so much to take care of her and yet not really knowing how to go about it. Somehow I think parental love takes on an almost fierce quality when the child it is bestowed on has special needs. Although we may not always understand our children ourselves, we will not tolerate anyone or anything that even hints of disregard, harm, or mistreatment. It is why I squirm every time I see someone use "special needs" to equate to silly or ignorant behavior. It is why there was mild outrage over President Obama's "slip of the tongue" with respect to the Special Olympics. That fierce love will also fight through any financial, bureaucratic, logistical, or prejudicial barrier to find or provide the right treatment, program, equipment, or professional to work with our children. They say one should never get between a mama bear and her cub...they ain't seen nothin' yet.

I think we also learn about love directly from our children. Even if they don't express love in "normative" ways, they do know love. I remember reading the book "The Five Love Languages..." while dating my husband and learning that his way of expressing love is by giving gifts. Our daughter does the same thing. She of her own initiative gives things to people she has made a connection to: a picture she drew, some flowers from our yard, a bead from her collection, etc. What she's saying as she hands out these trinkets is "I love you, I enjoy being with you, I want to spend more time with you". This child, who has required social skills training to learn how to share toys, has from a young age known how to express love. I should be so generous in my own expressions of love both to her and to others God has called me to love.

The Fruit of the Spirit

I have been feeling challenged lately to walk by the Spirit. Back in May I attended a retreat fully expecting God to convict me of some area of my life that I needed to "work" on as that had been my experience at similar retreats in the past. Instead I found God telling me to enjoy my life, to fully experience what He is calling me to do, but to stop "striving", to stop trying to do it on my own power. One piece of that was a commitment to try to spend some time each day praising God for what He is doing. That has been harder to do than it sounds - with our busy household I can easily get through the day without stopping for even a few minutes to contemplate what God is doing around me. I'm working on finding a way to remind myself, even if it is right before I finally crawl into bed. Just writing about it here I'm hoping will make a difference.

Last week our church had a special prayer evening and one portion of the evening was focused on confessing and repenting in preparation for celebrating The Lord's Supper (communion). As I participated in this God directed me to Galatians 5:16-26 where the Apostle Paul teaches us the difference between living by the Spirit rather than by our sinful nature. It is a striking contrast: fits of rage, selfish ambition, hatred, etc. juxtaposed with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

It seems like the times I struggle most with living out the fruit of the Spirit is in my relationship with my special needs child. I know God is using her to refine my character and make me more like Him, and this life in the Spirit seems to be a key step. For the next several posts that I draw from scripture, I'll be writing about the fruit of the Spirit (I just noticed that it is singular FRUIT even though it has several parts...like the triune Godhead, how fitting). I know God will use it in my life and I hope it will be encouraging to you as well.