Wants and Needs

Almost every day my daughter sees something (at school, at a friend's house, wherever...) that she desperately wants and must have immediately, and, "I want to go to the store and buy it right now..." It is a rare day that I:

• Can actually get to the store that day.
• Agree with her that the item is needed immediately, if at all.
• Gratify her desires with the object of her affection.

It is an even more rare day that she accepts all of my logical reasoning for going home and puttering around the house rather than driving post haste to the mall with equanimity and grace. Rather she restates her desires in increasingly whiny tones and with much passion. I have learned to repeat, "No, not this time" then proceed to make empathetic sighs and say, "I know, I know..." and then to say nothing at all. Otherwise it is the type of conversation that escalates into non-productivity.

It is a hard lesson for all of us that we simply can't have everything that we think we want RIGHT NOW. I've noticed a few alternative outcomes that can be quite satisfactory, though.

Be content with what you already have. Last week the big deal was that she needed a new backpack. The pink Hello Kitty bag she had lovingly selected and carried proudly every other day to Kindergarten just would not do anymore. It was too heavy, the zippers were not strong enough, and we had to go to the store right now and get a new one. I explained that most backpacks are heavy, and that the zippers were just fine if she is careful, but nothing would do. After a few attempts to decode what it was all about she said she wanted to use her suitcase instead. She has a little roll-about suitcase that one of her aunts personalized and I realized that she had seen someone with a backpack that rolls like that suitcase. I recalled that we had a backpack in that style that wasn't really being used. At first she was reluctant to accept this solution, but the next school day she happily packed up her "new" purple rolling backpack with all of her gear. One trip to the store averted.

Wait a while. A couple of weeks ago the must have of the day was a toy plastic microphone that sort of "amplifies" your voice by adding reverb. She wanted to go immediately to pick one out, but there was no way I could have fit that trip into the day's schedule. She had some birthday money and I knew we could get one for just a couple of dollars, so it wasn't a financial issue as much as a logistical problem. I had already planned a trip to that store for the next day, but we would have to wait until then. And wait she did. To be honest there was a part of me that hoped she would lose interest, but having told her we would go to the store the next day, the microphone became her fixation. The next day at the end of every activity her question was, "Are we going now, Mom?" I'm not sure who wanted the shopping trip to happen more. Here's hoping the delayed gratification will keep it out of the junk bin a little longer.

Consider the economics. A few days after the microphone purchase we were making our weekly grocery run and my daughter expressed her desire to buy a yellow bell pepper rather than the red one I had already picked out and placed in our basket. Yellow, you see, is her favorite color. When I explained that the yellow pepper cost more money than the red pepper it was handy to have the microphone for reference. I asked her if she would rather have a yellow pepper or her microphone the decision became more concrete and she conceded that a red pepper would be just fine this time.

Today the coveted object is a seat cushion. Arguably this is something she needs, especially while sitting at the dinner table. It could just be the latest "cool thing" she's seen at school, so we may have to work through a few more sessions of, "Not this time....mm-hmmm I know....." before I find out if this would be a wise purchase or not.

How do you help your children learn the difference between wants and needs? Do tell...

Co-regulation...My Piece

I had an entirely different post planned for tonight, but life invaded and made this post more relevant to working through some issues for myself, which I hope will also be helpful for others. Over the last year we have had the privilege of meeting some wonderful people who have helped us immensely in developing specific tools that support good behavior for our kids. There are many facets, but by far the most challenging to me is the idea of co-regulation. This essentially is keeping your cool so that your child can more easily maintain an appropriate level of arousal. I have improved (though not mastered) this when I am one on one with my daughter, but am more challenged in the evening (no surprise) when our whole family is together and the pressure of my to do list from the day is at its peak. Everyone is tired, but the children seem to get more frenetic in their activity, and whatever capacity or patience I've had earlier in the day is expended. The situation is not aided by the long business hours demanded by my husband's work, and the occasional difference in priorities that result. In sum, not much of this is in my control, but one thing I can do is identify my triggers and find appropriate strategies to keep my cool: the very essence of self-regulation. I feel quite strongly that I need a better grasp on my own system before I can hope to be more helpful to my daughter.

Here are some triggers I have identified so far:

Being interrupted mid-task. No one really likes to be interrupted, and when the children are awake I almost never move from beginning to end of even a short project without some sort of question, request, demand, intervention or mop-up duty.

Having to re-do it. It's bad enough that a mom's work is never done, and that whatever cleaning or straightening I do today I'll likely need to do it again tomorrow, but when it doesn't even last five minutes my buttons are definitely pushed.

Prolonged noise. I think I'm actually developing an allergy to the hood ventilation over our stove. The whining fan seems to evoke similar noises from the children and before long my frayed nerves just can't take it any more.

Misdirected Expectations. If I know in advance I'm on my own with the kids, even all day, my capacity to cope with whatever they dish out rises to the occasion. When I think I'm off the hook after dinner (or at least not flying solo) the last hour or so of the day becomes unbearable if I end up on mommy duty, even if I logically understand the reasons for the change in plans.

None of this is particularly pretty or comfortable to write here, but it seems to be the crux of the issue. In the next few weeks I'm going to be looking for my strategies to talk myself down from these ledges of dis-regulation. I would be more than happy to receive your input via comments below. Feel free to share your own triggers or if you have similar triggers what strategies you use to stay calm.

This post is participating in the Mom's 30-Minute Blog Challenge.

It's Like Riding a Bike

Time for a heart warming story. Do you remember when you learned how to ride a bike? I harbor fond memories of Summer days spent tagging along after my older brother. Playing "Dukes of Hazard" (I was always Daisy, and yes, I do know that I'm dating myself here...), jumping on the dirt bike trails, and racing to get back home. Of course there are also the skinned knees, and in my case broken noses that come along with the occasional wipe out, but it is all part of growing up, usually.

I spotted this news story on my Google reader and it spoke volumes to me. This is what accommodation is all about. This little girl, Rachael, has been through so much and has lost so much. It might be easy to say, "Wow, she's lucky to be alive and to have adoptive parents who love her so much." To know that she wants the chance to ride a bike and experience what so many of us have taken for granted, is to realize that living is about more than just surviving. Thankfully a group of engineering students at University of Southern Carolina (the other USC!) are working on developing a bike just for Rachael. You can read the full story here or watch a video here.

Here's hoping that Rachael will soon be pedaling her way to new childhood experiences asap, and cheers to the young men who are working so hard to make that possible.

Angels Part 2 Strangers Among Us

This is the second of eight posts based on the Bible Study Guide "Angels" by Douglas Connelly, A LifeGuide Bible Study. Today's passage is Genesis 18-19, which describes encounters that Abraham and his nephew, Lot have with "men" who are later revealed to be the LORD and two angels incarnate. Abraham is resting in the shade of his tent during the heat of the day when three strangers approach his tent. According to the custom of the day he prepares a hasty meal for them, offers them water to wash their feet, and a place to rest before they continue their journey. While the strangers are eating they ask him about his wife, Sarah and then predict that she will give birth to a son within a year. Sarah overhears the conversation from where she is working in the tent and she laughs "to herself" at the idea that she will bear a child in her old age. The men ask why she laughed and assert that nothing is too difficult for the LORD. After this initial indication that these men are not typical travellers, Abraham walks with them as they begin their journey. One (now called the LORD) lingers behind to talk to Abraham and the others continue on to Sodom, where Lot lives. The LORD tells Abraham that He is planning to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah because He has heard a great outcry against them. Abraham "argues" with God about sparing the cities for the sake of the righteous who live there, thinking specifically of Lot. Meanwhile, Lot meets the other two travellers (now called angels) at the city gate of Sodom in the early evening. Lot offers them a place to stay. While they are eating Lot's house is surrounded by the men of Sodom who want to have sexual relations with the strangers. Lot goes out to reason with his neighbors, but when the crowd becomes violent the angels pull him to safety inside the house and strike all the men of Sodom with blindness. The angels then warn him that God is about to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and that he should gather all of his family and flee. Lot's sons-in-law don't heed the warning, but Lot, his daughters and his wife all leave Sodom. The angels warn them not to stop and not to look back, but Lot's wife looks back and is turned "into a pillar of salt."

One key thing to recognize in this passage is that these angels appeared, at least at first, to be just like any other person. Abraham offers them food, rest, and water. Lot also extends hospitality. The men of Sodom offer carnal pleasure. No physical features indicate the exceptional nature of these visitors. Still it is clear they have special knowledge - they know specific, personal events to come for Sarah and Abraham; and they know the larger picture of God's plan for Sodom and Gomorrah. They also have special powers - they struck the men of Sodom with blindness so as to create a diversion and buy time to allow Lot and his family to escape. They are messengers both of mercy - to Abraham and Lot, and of judgement - to Sodom, Gomorrah, and Lot's wife.

Also note that Abraham and Lot welcomed these strangers before being blessed with personal promises and warnings to flee to safety. Though not necessarily on the look out for such an encounter, Abraham and Lot both practiced hospitality and welcomed the presence of the angels in their lives.

Have you ever experienced angels in your life? Do you welcome their appearance? In Hebrews 13:2 we are urged to "entertain strangers" in case the strangers turn out to be angels on a mission of mercy. Are you ready?

Olympic Fever

It has struck our house big time. We ordered up the local channels from our TV provider for the express purpose of recording and watching as much Olympic coverage as possible. It has been amusing to introduce our children to the wonders of winter sports. The toddlers giggled like maniacs while watching the luge competition. They were transfixed by figure skating. Our oldest daughter thought it was pretty amazing that four people can all snowboard the same course at the same time (me, too) and wanted to know if roller skates could work on the ice, too. She doesn't have ice skates, you see.

There have been a couple of touching moments for those in the special needs community. I was glad to see Rick Hansen, a paralympic athlete, included in the torch lighting ceremony, though disappointed he was not one of the official lighters. I also enjoyed the story of Alexandre Bilodeau who won Canada's first gold medal on home soil in Men's Freestyle Skiing. He draws a lot of inspiration from his older brother, Frederic, who is affected by cerebral palsy.

With these advocates on the big screen there is a whole network of people that work tirelessly all year long with somewhat less fanfare, though their name is well known. The Special Olympics provides excellent opportunities for individuals with special needs to find something they can excel at. There are a lot of fundraising opportunities for The Special Olympics. Each local organization does their own fundraising. I've read of Polar Bear Plunges in Utah and Celebrity Ski Weekends in Nevada. There are a lot of other ways to get involved, too. With the spotlight on Vancouver in 2010 I can't think of a better time to check it out and see what you can do.

Book Review - Mother Warriors

As promised I am reading and learning more about the GFCF diet/anti-vaccine camp of parents of children with autism. The first step for me was reading Mother Warriors which is, in part, a Jenny McCarthy memoir of her decision to "go public" with the treatments she was using to "recover" her son from autism. Along the way she meets other mothers who have tried bio-medical and other non-traditional treatments to try and better their children's lives. Ms. McCarthy weaves their stories with her own which is distracting at times, but does put it all in context. Reading this book was challenging to me on many levels. I don't intend to alter the approach we currently have with our daughter because it is working, but I needed to understand what all the furor is about. I think I understand pieces of it now...even if I don't fully buy into it.

The most important thing I want to convey is that by and large the parents who tell their stories in Mother Warriors are describing children who are seriously physically ill: suffering grand mal seizures that require resuscitation, severe gastrointestinal distress, rashes, days of extreme regression, etc. and they're being told by traditional doctors that there is "nothing they can do." Watching your child suffer such physical trauma would raise the hackles of any mama worth her salt. I recently had the displeasure of attending our son in the hospital for several days after he aspirated a chewed up piece of apple. On our third day when he wasn't recovering as I expected and no doctors had come by to check in with us you can bet I started to put up a fuss. If I had been told there was nothing they could do I wouldn't have stood for that either. Parents just know there is something that can be done, and we will find it. These parents, facing much more dire circumstances than the one I walked through, are simply finding something they can do for their children, and in many cases in their opinion it is working. This I admire to the extent that they aren't just willy nilly throwing in one therapy after another, which is not the approach that the parents Ms. McCarthy interviewed took. They did their homework. They tried one thing at a time.

If at the same time you were told there is no known cause for your child's severe suffering, you would start to look for the cause on your own. If you became convinced that the cause of your child's severe illness is something that practically every child is exposed to as a matter of course you would add that to your list of things to get out and shout about. This group has a lot of anecdotal evidence suggesting that their children had severe reactions to vaccinations. They are entitled to their opinion, and certainly it is something that needs to be studied in an unbiased well-controlled experiment. Even with a 1% population affected by vaccines (if the theory is correct) do we risk the other 99% to what can be extremely serious and life-threatening illness? In addition, there are some questionable nutritional/medical sidebars in the book. One mother describes giving her child a gallon of milk to drink every day (hyperbole?) and not wanting to remove that to follow the GFCF diet. I've been told that current best practice is to never give a child more than 24 ounces of milk per day. I'm not at all surprised that her child was having severe gastrointestinal problems.

One thing I did not enjoy is some of the language used in the book. It is, shall we say, uncensored and not PG. I have mentioned my aversion to such things in earlier reviews. I know this is how everyone talks these days and I suppose it makes it "realistic," "passionate," and "cathartic." In my opinion it also makes it unprofessional and crude.

I was also confused by one chapter (Chapter 20, The Power of Believing) which starts with a letter from a parent who wants to know how she can be sure biomedical treatments will work for her child. Given the expense and time required for these treatments she is hesitant to try without assurance it will be effective. Ms. McCarthy admits that she has no idea if the GFCF diet or other treatments she publicizes will work. She even says that many kids don't need the biomedical interventions. She says she wondered about these treatments for all of two hours before deciding to proceed with her son (again if my son were suffering severe seizures I might not hesitate long either). In the next paragraph she is back on her soap box urging us to heal our children and not second guess the treatments. So are we allowed to question them or not?

In that same chapter Ms. McCarthy also discloses her new age approach to spiritual life. Throughout the book she talks about praying to (or yelling at) God, but here she explains (sort of) the "law of attraction" which seems to state that I just have to picture the way I want things to turn out and that will be the way it is. Stunning. Let me just pause a moment to conjure up an image of our family owning a private island complete with mansion, maid, butler, and trained dolphins for pets. I'll be sure to publish a farewell post when this vision becomes my reality. Ms. McCarthy uses this in the context of visualizing your child healed. Did it ever occur to her that none of us visualized having a child that needed healing, and yet that is our reality.

In short, I'm glad I've now read Mother Warriors, and I definitely have more reading to do.

Sunday Digest 14

Happy Valentine's Day to all my readers! I think today's links have a common theme of how much we as a society, as a Christian community, and as individuals have to learn about love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not
self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does
not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

1) This on-line article at ChristianityToday.com considers a Christian response to a research study aimed at developing drug therapies for individuals with Down Syndrome. Should developmental delays, particularly those caused by genetic variations be considered as a disease to be cured? If treatment is administered does it mean we don't value that individual as they are created? Interesting questions and comments...

2) This blog post by Shatter Nicely makes me sad. Though clearly only one component of what pushed her away from Christianity, I hope this church's (small c) response to a special needs child (ADHD) and his parents is becoming a thing of the past. I'll have to finish reading this series.

3) More from crosswalk.com on eliminating the R-word from our vocabulary.

4) A beautiful video I first spotted on 5 Minutes for Special Needs. It says a lot!

5) To provide the best care for our children we need help in a lot of areas. This post at Hopeful Parents suggests three key areas that are the foundation of a strong support system.