Rerun Book Review - When I Feel Angry

Recycling is good, right? I have a movie that I've been wanting to review for you, and I have watched it, but I haven't had the time to really give it all of the attention I usually give to a review. Partly that is because we are back at my mother-in-law's house. You can read a little about how that is going here. Meanwhile this book, which I originally reviewed back in October 2009 would be an excellent read for several members of the household, self included...Since several of you probably didn't know this blog existed back then I will save you the trip through the archives to locate it. Enjoy!

After a day like today I need this book almost as much as my child does. I love the title. It is so realistic. It doesn't say "If I Get Angry" or "When I Am Angry" or "I Shouldn't Get Angry." This book assumes, rightly, that your child will feel angry; it emphasizes that this is a feeling, not a state of being; it even acknowledges that there are times when anger is a fine response. However, it encourages positive ways to work through the anger - taking deep breaths, getting some exercise, or finding something fun to do (distraction!)

I hope I modeled this well at least once today. We were decorating Halloween cookies and my daughter really wanted some of them to have spider webs on them. In my rather limited decorating repertoire this was going to be challenging at best, plus the cookie decorating was supposed to be a structured activity to keep her busy while I was making dinner. Anyway I attempted the spider web but the decorating trip clogged and my attempts to clean it out didn't help. Meanwhile dinner was waiting on the stove and the twins were dancing at my feet wanting attention, too. I said, pretty calmly, "I'm going to have to stop working on cookies now. I'm getting too frustrated." Then I turned my attention to dinner. My daughter was a little upset that we had to stop, but while I finished dinner we processed it a little bit and I emphasized that sometimes when we are getting frustrated we need to take a break.

The story book follows the adventures of a cute little bunny girl as she realizes that some things that make her angry can't be fixed, but some can. She learns to get help figuring it out and to spend time talking and listening to work things out. The pictures are all darling. The text, in my opinion, is written at a great level even for children with language processing issues. The ideas take a little practice to remember and act on in the heat of the moment, but they are all solid re-regulating ideas.

Enjoy!

Sunday Digest 27

It's been a while since I've written a digest. Between taking some time off over New Year's and rearranging my writing schedule a bit it just hasn't fallen into the rotation, but here we are...the first Sunday Digest of 2011. Given the gap I should have plenty of material to choose from.

1) I wanted to start off with a moving video posted by our new friend, Justin Buzzard. We met Justin because he has spoken several times at our church while we are seeking a new pastor. Justin is an excellent preacher, and is starting a church in the San Jose area...in case you're looking. He is also the uncle of Brody, who is affected by autism. Brody's parents took some photos of him at a recent beach outing and overlaid "10 Things Every Child with Autism Wants You to Know..." If you've been looking for a good way to pass this information on to someone, well here it is.

2) Here the inimitable Varda explains why we need to keep telling people how to understand and help our children reach their full potential, regardless of what their challenges and needs might be. It wasn't that long ago that children with special needs were sent off to institutions without question, or worse.

3) Ever have one of those moments when your temper gets the best of you and you can't seem to get a grip on your anger? Please don't tell me I'm the only one...My fellow 5 Minutes for Special Needs contributor, Laurie, shared some of the secrets she's learned over the years to get a grip on her anger. Fake swearing...love it!

4) I've been attending some IEP meetings with a friend. Perhaps that's one reason this piece, sort of retrospectively viewing the IEP track of education over the long haul jumped out at me. The analogy at the end is powerful.

5) Last but not least, we've been encountering lots of situations lately where I wish I knew better how to support my daughter's social skills. Hartley shared some of the things she's learned here. I definitely need to try a couple of these to see if they will help in our scenarios.

Finding Empathy for your Child

This may not be the most "practical" of my practical tips, but it is important, and it is fresh in my brain not to mention begging to be redeemed, so here goes...

This afternoon I set out on my weekly adventure to run errands, this time accompanied by my oldest daughter. We have a nice little errand routine that has made it almost pleasant, though exceedingly slow, to run errands. Today we needed to visit the library (to return a book at the drive through book drop), the bank, and the grocery store. Sounds simple enough, right?

As I was preparing to turn left into the library book drop lane I noticed an elderly woman driving the opposite direction and decided that though she was proceeding slowly I needed to yield right of way. It's a tight turn and I didn't want to cut her off. I stopped in my lane, so I had plenty of time to see her equally elderly passenger and figured they were having a nice chat as they putted along. As I negotiated the turn into the library I noticed another older woman pedestrian hot on my trail on the passenger side of my van. She was close enough that I was a bit worried I might hit her while also trying to line up with the book drop. She tapped on my passenger side front window. I thought maybe she needed directions or was confused about where the entrance to the library is, so I rolled down that window, but she crossed right in front of my van(!) and came around to the driver's side window. By now I could see she was angry, but I rolled down my window and asked nicely if I could help her. She started yelling at me about stopping so long and letting my exhaust fumes get in her face. I sat there, fully aware that my daughter was hearing every word and watching every response on my part, hoping my face had an appropriate response, angry for the tongue lashing when I hadn't done anything wrong, trying to figure out what to say to make this irritating person leave so I could complete my errand. I said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't realize that had happened," and instead of accepting my apology or leaving in a huff the woman threatened to call the police next time it happened. (I was not aware that exhaust fumes had ACTUALLY been outlawed, YET.) She then proceeded to call me a crude name as she fumed (sorry, couldn't resist) off into the parking garage. I lamely yelled after her that she shouldn't swear in front of my daughter... (Oh, good comeback, me!)

As I then struggled to return my soon to be overdue video a kind pedestrian who had evidently witnessed the exchange offered to help me, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. I probably responded somewhat rudely to her out of my shock...and drove off in a fog to the bank. My daughter was peppering me with questions. Why did that woman yell at you? What did you not want her to say in front of me? Why should she not say that in front of me? What did you do? etc. etc. Fortunately my continued confusion, embarrassment and shock kept my answers short, to the point, and flat in effect. Somewhere in the middle of the produce aisle I could finally function without constantly thinking about this emotional attack from an absolute stranger. It still makes my stomach twitch just to recount it here.

Part of what helped me move beyond the nastiness of that moment, was a still small voice that said,

"Imagine how your daughter feels when you yell at her."

It gave some meaning to the experience. I've learned a lot in the last couple of years to help keep my temper under better control, but I still have my moments. I'm told that everyone does. It's been a while since someone older than me gave me a tongue lashing that they thought I deserved. No matter how undeserved it was in this instance, I imagine that my visceral responses were fairly similar to what my daughter, and any child, must experience when they're being loudly scolded:

confusion

embarrassment

shock

anger

how do I make this person go away

loss of social functioning

There is one really significant difference in the experience. I have no idea who this woman is. Even though we live in a small town, I will likely never see her again (I can hope!) After all my processing it was pretty easy to brush off her opinion of my driving ability, and whatever else she chose to judge in me. When I yell at my kids, they have to live with me the rest of that moment, that day, and beyond. They value my opinion (a little I think) and some piece of their self-image is built upon my responses to them.

I wish I could say I'll never yell at my kids again...that is unrealistic. It did help me keep my cool as I handled bedtime solo tonight. I hope, however, that this experience will give me a little more empathy for what they are feeling when I'm angry with them and will modify my own responses. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. How do you find empathy for your child?

Book Review - The Way I Feel

I haven't had much time for reading lately - I'm caught up on all my blog subscriptions, and that's about it. So I thought I'd review a children's book today. The Way I Feel by Janan Cain was the first book I spied on our coffee table that seemed most appropriate for a Simple Life shout out.

The cover pretty much says it all. This book is well written and well illustrated for children like my daughter who have "BIG feelings." There is seldom a mediocre tone happening around our house. With two two-year-olds testing the waters and a child that struggles to self-regulate we have drama in every corner. From pretty normal sibling squabbles over whose turn it is to play with THE coveted toy (in a house overrun by toys, by the way) to ecstatic spinning and laughing as we careen around the house before Mom makes us go outside (and that's just the first half hour of the day) we've got emotions coming out our ears. Really.

The fun thing about this book is that the characters in here have BIG feelings, too. "Positive" and "Negative" are given pretty equal showing. Silly, scared, disappointed, happy, sad, angry, thankful, frustrated, shy, bored, excited, jealous, proud, are each represented and respected with a diverse and expressive group of kids. In the end:

"Feelings come and feelings go.
I never know what they'll be.
Silly or angry, happy or sad -
They're all a part of me!"

I think reading this book has given my daughter some emotional vocabulary beyond "happy, sad, and angry." I hope by continuing to read it she can learn to match some of the facial expressions to the emotions. Regardless I'm glad for the simple message that feelings, no matter how big they are, should be expressed, but in appropriate and expected ways.

As a bonus (as you can see from the excerpt) the text is written in rhyme - without any stretch or strain to make it work. The illustrations are colorful and beautiful. I have been very pleased to have this one in our library.

Have you read this one? What do you think? Drop me a comment below!

You Can't Just Slap on a Bandaid

Today on the way home from a friend's house my daughter said she needed a bandaid. She meant she wanted a band aid "right now." I was driving at the time, so I asked her why she needed one, and she said her foot was hurting. I had noticed her walking funny on the way to the van, but she often walks a little funny just because. I knew pretty quickly what was wrong. She had been wearing flip-flops around our friend's yard, and they have boysenberry vines with lots of big thorns. I figured she had a thorn in her foot. I also knew that just putting on a band aid wouldn't help...short term or long term. Short term the pain would still be there...long term it would fester, get infected, and take a lot longer to heal. What we really needed to do was dig out the thorn, then put on disinfectant and finally a band aid. I told my daughter, who was now in tears because I wasn't stopping the van right then to get out a band aid, that I would have to look at her foot first. When we got home she went into the house ahead of me and by the time I had her siblings unstrapped and herded into the house she had already appropriated a band aid, but was still limping around the house. Unfortunately it was already late for dinner, so I threw one container of leftovers in the microwave, grabbed the bottle of disinfectant and convinced my daughter to follow me back into the bathroom where there was enough light, tweezers, and more band aids. By this time even she had figured out that just slapping the band aid on wasn't working, but she still wasn't too keen on the tweezers idea, or the disinfectant for that matter. Luckily the thorn was sticking out quite a bit and it was relatively easy to remove once I had all the tools at my disposal. After it was out we examined it, and tossed it in the garbage.

As I returned to the kitchen to continue my haphazard dinner prep the spiritual application of what had just transpired would not leave me. So many times when I witness something unpleasant in my character, or when another person offends me I would just love a quick fix. Slap a band aid on please.

Getting angry too often? Try counting to ten, deep breaths...if all else fails scream into a pillow until the moment passes. Do these techniques really get to the heart of the matter though - my heart? My anger most often comes from fatigue and fear. The former because I'm always taking on that one extra project...the latter because I like to be in control, and deep down I know I'm not. So counting to ten is good and all, but unless I address the tired and timid spirit in me I'm going to be stuck in a loop of anger. Eventually counting to ten won't work anymore. What I really need is to ask my Loving Father to use His Tweezers (His Word, the Holy Spirit, wise counsel...) and remove these sinful habits from me. I need the spiritual bactine of worship and prayer applied liberally to the affected area several times daily. Then I can rest in the soothing protection of His love, which binds up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).

What about when it's someone else's sin that offends? Shouldn't I just be the bigger person and brush it off, walk away, move on? That's just slapping a different brand of band aid on. I do believe we should work on our character so that we aren't offended by every little thing: a misdirected arched eyebrow...a gaze that lingers a little too long...a tube of toothpaste that is all squished in the middle instead of being rolled up neatly from the end. However, if we are genuinely offended, we can't just ignore it. These things have a way of revisiting us days, weeks, months, and even years later. It's not comfortable to sit with someone and say, "I was hurt by what you did..." but it is so necessary.

God has taught me this lesson so many ways, and at so many different times, but it became clear in a fresh way today. Being the one in charge of removing the thorn gave me a different perspective. My daughter didn't want me to look at her foot, or touch it in any way. The slightest brush of the tweezers sent her into panic mode. I finally told her to lay on her tummy, close her eyes, and hold her breath. That kept her still enough to give me good purchase on the thorn with the tweezers and in short order we were able to examine the trouble in an objective manner and move on. I knew that what I was doing for her was to her benefit, even if she didn't like it, but I needed her to trust me and be still. Oh, to be brave enough to submit to my Father's Hands in the same way.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him... Psalm 37:7 (NIV)

Co-regulation...My Piece

I had an entirely different post planned for tonight, but life invaded and made this post more relevant to working through some issues for myself, which I hope will also be helpful for others. Over the last year we have had the privilege of meeting some wonderful people who have helped us immensely in developing specific tools that support good behavior for our kids. There are many facets, but by far the most challenging to me is the idea of co-regulation. This essentially is keeping your cool so that your child can more easily maintain an appropriate level of arousal. I have improved (though not mastered) this when I am one on one with my daughter, but am more challenged in the evening (no surprise) when our whole family is together and the pressure of my to do list from the day is at its peak. Everyone is tired, but the children seem to get more frenetic in their activity, and whatever capacity or patience I've had earlier in the day is expended. The situation is not aided by the long business hours demanded by my husband's work, and the occasional difference in priorities that result. In sum, not much of this is in my control, but one thing I can do is identify my triggers and find appropriate strategies to keep my cool: the very essence of self-regulation. I feel quite strongly that I need a better grasp on my own system before I can hope to be more helpful to my daughter.

Here are some triggers I have identified so far:

Being interrupted mid-task. No one really likes to be interrupted, and when the children are awake I almost never move from beginning to end of even a short project without some sort of question, request, demand, intervention or mop-up duty.

Having to re-do it. It's bad enough that a mom's work is never done, and that whatever cleaning or straightening I do today I'll likely need to do it again tomorrow, but when it doesn't even last five minutes my buttons are definitely pushed.

Prolonged noise. I think I'm actually developing an allergy to the hood ventilation over our stove. The whining fan seems to evoke similar noises from the children and before long my frayed nerves just can't take it any more.

Misdirected Expectations. If I know in advance I'm on my own with the kids, even all day, my capacity to cope with whatever they dish out rises to the occasion. When I think I'm off the hook after dinner (or at least not flying solo) the last hour or so of the day becomes unbearable if I end up on mommy duty, even if I logically understand the reasons for the change in plans.

None of this is particularly pretty or comfortable to write here, but it seems to be the crux of the issue. In the next few weeks I'm going to be looking for my strategies to talk myself down from these ledges of dis-regulation. I would be more than happy to receive your input via comments below. Feel free to share your own triggers or if you have similar triggers what strategies you use to stay calm.

This post is participating in the Mom's 30-Minute Blog Challenge.

Self Control - Fruit of the Spirit Part 9

I do so like to finish what I started. I had hoped to finish the Fruit of the Spirit series in 2009, but circumstances beyond my control came into play. Speaking of control, that is the last fruit we have to look at: self-control. When it comes right down to it, self-control is just about the only control we have.

I spend large chunks of time trying to maintain order, structure, cleanliness and routine in our home. I wear myself out with the organizing. I have a spread sheet that I update each week with my daily projects, to-dos, appointments, and menus. I have more spread sheets with pre-organized shopping lists and packing lists for trips. I don't think there's anything wrong with this level of planning, and it can come in quite handy. For me it means I've "pre-thought" my day and I just need to review my list rather than decide on the fly what's going to get done that day. The problem comes in the illusion that all of this planning will actually bear itself out in reality. Most days I don't get to everything on my list. I still have to choose the most important tasks or procrastinate accordingly. Sometimes I forget to check the list, so I have to rearrange things and punt. Other times, like two weeks ago, something totally unexpected and urgent happens and everything else is put on hold indefinitely until the crisis has passed. As long as I remember that my plan doesn't mean I'm in charge it is all okay.

However, there are days when I have a very hard time letting go of my plan. I am like the farmer in Jesus' parable who lays awake at night scheming up the bigger barn that he's going to build when God says, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?" (Luke 12:13-21) Well...maybe not quite like that yet...thanks be to God He has not required my soul...but it is the same idea. I plan and scheme and expect everything and everyone to fall into line with my idea of how the day should go, and when it or they do not I lose sight of the one factor I can control: myself. I yell, I stomp, I shake my finger threateningly, and all of the bluster gains me nothing but a higher blood pressure.

Plan, yes, because that is wise, but when things do not go according to plan, remember that planning is not equivalent to controlling. I, yet not I but the Spirit within me, can only control how I respond to the things that are out of my control. I must, in fact, continually yield to His control in order to be self-controlled. This brings to mind Ephesians 5:15-18 (NIV):

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the
most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be
foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which
leads to debauchery. Instead be filled with the Spirit."

Let's break it down into bullet points:

• Be careful how you live, making the most of every opportunity - PLAN
• But understand what the Lord's will is - Remember you're not in charge
• Don't be drunk on wine - Don't lose your self-control
• Instead be filled with the Spirit - Rely on God to provide self-control

Again I must yield to Him. Every day, every moment asking Him to provide the character that I need to meet life's off-plan moments.

Gentleness through the Spirit

I doubt that many people think of the word gentle when they try to describe God. Awesome, powerful, sovereign, loving - sure, those would be on the list, but gentle? This is the same God that opened the earth to swallow up some of the Israelites who were rebelling and questioning Moses' leadership (Numbers 16)...the same one who struck Ananias and Sapphira dead because they lied about how much they sold their property for (Acts 5). There was a time when our society lived in fear of God's wrath. In more recent years people focus on the other extreme; wanting God to be a push over who makes suggestions but doesn't expect us to take them to heart. Some might call that gentle, but this is a misunderstanding of that word.

Gentleness is defined as "being moderate in force or degree so that the effects are not severe." (Encarta Dictionary) It was recently explained to me as the correct center of the anger spectrum from never being angry on one end, to being angry all the time on the other end. In other words, it is knowing when it is appropriate to be angry and handling one's anger appropriately. It is probably the fruit I need most to ask the Holy Spirit to provide in my life.

Some examples of God being gentle from scripture are:

• I Kings 19 - After being present for God totally defeating the prophets of Baal (I Kings 18) Elijah gets a nasty note from Jezebel and decides he better run for it. Early on he wants to give up and God sends an angel to him with food and drink (twice!). He runs some more, then decides to hide in a cave. God asks him what he's doing there and Elijah explains how bad things have gotten to God. God invites Elijah to step out of the cave and watch him pass by. Big wind comes, then an earthquake, then a fire. After the fire came a gentle voice. God again asks Elijah what he's doing there and Elijah complains some more. Then God tells him to go back and get ready to retire, passing on his ministry to Elisha. When Elijah was ready to throw in the towel in spite of having witnessed one of the most dramatic miracles and victories of all time, God could have blasted him with the wind, or the earthquake or the fire. Instead He uses a gentle voice to tell Elijah his next steps, though at least one of those would be somewhat painful - laying aside his prophet mantle. God says the hard words, but He does so in a way that is easy to accept.
• Matthew 11:29,30 (NIV) - "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." This is a promise to the weary and burdened. Jesus offers us His yoke. Please note that there is a yoke, but it is an easy yoke, and it is controlled by our gentle Lord.

I can both know and emulate this gentleness in my own life. Amen.

Childlike Gentleness - Fruit of the Spirit Part 8

It seems like I've been teaching the concept of gentleness to my daughter since she first found her fingers. I read somewhere in those early days to not say "No" too often because young children eventually tune it out. I came up with a couple of alternatives. When the little lady was about to leap before looking I would say, "Careful!" as a cue to her to rethink what she was about to do. When she was being too rough with a toy, a book, my hair, whatever, I would say, "Gentle!" and try to model for her how to properly treat that object. Sometimes it worked. I still use this one word reminder for her when she is hugging her brother a little too tight or patting Grandma's dog excitedly, and therefore a little too hard.

There are so many things that we need to be gentle with. It seems that we mostly focus on the physical and external, the material and the personal. We strive to teach our children early that hitting is wrong, that we need to use gentle hands. We need to remember that there are tender hearts and feelings as well. We have noticed with our son that he is much more sensitive to scolding than the girls are. Often if I say no to him even in a conversational tone his little feelings are crushed. Although I still must train and discipline him I will need to remember his soft heart in this area.

I recently heard a speaker say that gentleness is the quality of knowing when to be angry and handling your anger appropriately. If there are two unhealthy extremes: being angry all the time and never being angry, gentleness is the pivot point of perfect balance. It stuck in my brain because I've been asking God to work on my anger for the last year or so. Amazingly He has, although there's definitely still stuff to work on. What is real and true is that my daughter and her needs are the tools that He is using to make this area of my character what He wants it to be.

So who is teaching whom about gentleness, anyway?