Wants and Needs

Almost every day my daughter sees something (at school, at a friend's house, wherever...) that she desperately wants and must have immediately, and, "I want to go to the store and buy it right now..." It is a rare day that I:

• Can actually get to the store that day.
• Agree with her that the item is needed immediately, if at all.
• Gratify her desires with the object of her affection.

It is an even more rare day that she accepts all of my logical reasoning for going home and puttering around the house rather than driving post haste to the mall with equanimity and grace. Rather she restates her desires in increasingly whiny tones and with much passion. I have learned to repeat, "No, not this time" then proceed to make empathetic sighs and say, "I know, I know..." and then to say nothing at all. Otherwise it is the type of conversation that escalates into non-productivity.

It is a hard lesson for all of us that we simply can't have everything that we think we want RIGHT NOW. I've noticed a few alternative outcomes that can be quite satisfactory, though.

Be content with what you already have. Last week the big deal was that she needed a new backpack. The pink Hello Kitty bag she had lovingly selected and carried proudly every other day to Kindergarten just would not do anymore. It was too heavy, the zippers were not strong enough, and we had to go to the store right now and get a new one. I explained that most backpacks are heavy, and that the zippers were just fine if she is careful, but nothing would do. After a few attempts to decode what it was all about she said she wanted to use her suitcase instead. She has a little roll-about suitcase that one of her aunts personalized and I realized that she had seen someone with a backpack that rolls like that suitcase. I recalled that we had a backpack in that style that wasn't really being used. At first she was reluctant to accept this solution, but the next school day she happily packed up her "new" purple rolling backpack with all of her gear. One trip to the store averted.

Wait a while. A couple of weeks ago the must have of the day was a toy plastic microphone that sort of "amplifies" your voice by adding reverb. She wanted to go immediately to pick one out, but there was no way I could have fit that trip into the day's schedule. She had some birthday money and I knew we could get one for just a couple of dollars, so it wasn't a financial issue as much as a logistical problem. I had already planned a trip to that store for the next day, but we would have to wait until then. And wait she did. To be honest there was a part of me that hoped she would lose interest, but having told her we would go to the store the next day, the microphone became her fixation. The next day at the end of every activity her question was, "Are we going now, Mom?" I'm not sure who wanted the shopping trip to happen more. Here's hoping the delayed gratification will keep it out of the junk bin a little longer.

Consider the economics. A few days after the microphone purchase we were making our weekly grocery run and my daughter expressed her desire to buy a yellow bell pepper rather than the red one I had already picked out and placed in our basket. Yellow, you see, is her favorite color. When I explained that the yellow pepper cost more money than the red pepper it was handy to have the microphone for reference. I asked her if she would rather have a yellow pepper or her microphone the decision became more concrete and she conceded that a red pepper would be just fine this time.

Today the coveted object is a seat cushion. Arguably this is something she needs, especially while sitting at the dinner table. It could just be the latest "cool thing" she's seen at school, so we may have to work through a few more sessions of, "Not this time....mm-hmmm I know....." before I find out if this would be a wise purchase or not.

How do you help your children learn the difference between wants and needs? Do tell...